I just danced – smiling on the outside and crying on the inside!

God I hate my life. God I miss Wes! God I wish I had met Wes! God I wish there was a Wes! (See a pattern forming here?) I could go on like this for hours but I won’t. Anyway, you get the picture. The dance was hell and I wish I could cry. I really do. But when I like someone or have a reason to cry I will. One of the two times I danced was w/ Jeff! I’m not upset about dancing with him! But I am depressed because it was to “ I Swear.” I know it shouln’t matter but that’s my song! I didn’t exactly want to dance w/ him on my favorite song. I didn’t want to dance w/ him at all! But I did and it doesn’t matter. After we danced he kept talking to me! I know we’re supposed to be friends but how can we be friends when he flirts w/ me? I know he likes me, no matter how he denies it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable! I could feel his eyes on me as a I danced in the fast dances. The he set me up w/ Dylan B! I really didn’t mind.

I tried to have fun, I really did. I just couldn’t. I danced and everything usual happened. I just danced – smiling on the outside and crying on the inside! No matter what I did I couldn’t stop the saddness. The sadness came because of the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend- don’t even have anyone to like. And that hurts. If I liked someone and he rejected me it isn’t any worse than this. But at least I’d have someone to think about as I drift off to sleep. To stare at and feel embarrassed cause he noticed my gaze in block. But now all I have to hope for is that somebody someday whom I don’t mind likes me (except for Jeff) and asks me out so I could like them! How could I have created this for myself?

I’m pretty sure that I didn’t want this on any of my levels!  However many there may be!  Right now I feel that I like someone a whole lot I just don’t know who.  God, can I just meet him so I can love him?  I’ve liked so many guys–there aren’t any left!  I guess I can’t like anyone because each one I’ve liked rejected me for one reason or another.  I’m willing to be rejected if only I could be accepted once!  just once is all I ask!   Just so I know that some guys actually like me!  Please, God!