I keep wishing that the phone would ring.

about 4:50 pm

I was talking to Emily this morning and she said that last night after she was home, Doug called her and asked her if she wanted to go on a double date to a matinee with Natalie and Jordan. I know I shouldn’t be hurt but I am. Since she’s been going out with Doug, it seems like I’m inferior. She said that maybe we could triple with me and Dave, but I have to face reality. There’s no hope for us.

I know she’d not trying to make me feel inferior but she is. Or maybe I just feel inferior. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s not going to work out between Dave and I. I still like him though. Or maybe it’s not that I’m in love with him but that I’m in love with being in love. I haven’t liked anyone for sooo long, I jumped at the chance to like someone. I guess I forgot the pain that comes with it.

I just wish I had a boyfriend so I wouldn’t feel so left out. I keep wishing that the phone would ring. Dave would be on the other end. He would want me to go out with him. But the phone rings and it’s not Dave. On what level did I choose this hell for myself? I know Natalie and Emily tried their best to get Dave and I together, but they failed. Emily says Dave asked them about making us get on rides together after I got dropped off last night. She also said that Doug thought or thinks that Dave and I would make a cute couple but I think that he was just agreeing with his girlfriend. I don’t know what to do. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Even though I know it’s pointless, I want Em+Nat to keep trying. I wish there was hope for the situation. I could call Dave and ask him out but that would just end in my dying of embaressment because he said no. I know I should be more, but I was positive and look at where that got me. I swear, I’, about to give up on myself

about 9:30 P.M.

All night, I sat around, staring at the phone; wishing it was Natalie or Emily. I wanted to suggest that since Natalie can’t go to the date thing tomorrow, that they all come to ice skating. But the phone didn’t right all night! And I wasn’t about to call them. The truth is, I really want them to try to get me+Dave to go to the movie. This fuckin pen j  at v   k!

What I was TRYING to write was that the pen won’t work. and that I want them to try again at getting me + Dave together. I really like him. I don’t just like the idea of liking him as I had suspected. Ana called and I’m talking to her. This SUCKS!

She’s prying into my personal life. Shut up, Ana! Lately I’ve been taking my anger out on anybody. Usually my sister. I kept snapping at her. Then, early this morning when snapped at her, she started crying. My point is that I have to much anger and hurt. Well maybe not hurt but upsetness (is that a word?). I don’t feel like crying but I’m so upset.

I’m dissapointed that we didn’t get together and I’m hurt that just because I’m not going out w/ anyone, I’m excluded. I know that it’s not really that way. There are two couples in the “cool group”, and they’re getting together. I don’t really belong in the “cool group”. Why? Well, I don’t know any of the guys very well and lately it seems as if Emily and Natalie are better friends than Emily and I.

I just don’t feel like a part of any group. I wish it was. If it was up to the guys in the “cool group”, I wouldn’t be in it. I know that. Everyone in the “cool group” has all these inside jokes. I’m not part of any. Maybe I just won’t go to anything that’s planned. I don’t belong there. I know that the only way for me to belong there is if I keep going, but I won’t be able to handle the pain. I hate being left out! It is just one thing I can’t stand. And I will be left out in the “cool group”. I could hang out with Natalie or Emily but they’re hanging with their boyfriends which leaves me with no one I know well. For awhile my life seemed to be looking up. But it went downhill.

My life sucks and I know it. I watch Barney for heaven’s sake! I have the TV listings memorized. My life revolves around the tube. I did go to see Maverick today with Fred. It was fun. Tomorrow I have ice-skating. That’ll be cool. At least I won’t watch VH1 + MTV all day. DAMN, my life sucks. It’s pointless. I’ll bet I haven’t made one person happy that I’m alive!

I was playing computer games earlier. I told myself as I began a game of “Keys 2 the Castle” that if I won I’d go out w/ Dave and if I didn’t I wouldn’t. I hardly ever win but I won. I know that
doesn’t mean anything since there’s no hope for us as a couple. I believe in fate and I know that if it was meant to be, it would have been. Or will be–YEAH, right! Snort, snort. Dave obviously isn’t interested. I just have to face the facts. I may never have a boyfriend. I wonder what the best way to kill yourself is, I’m joking. I would never even consider suicide. But, right now a gunshot looks mighty tempting.