I’m writing on binder paper because I left my diary at Emily’s. I felt that today was to important to write in later.

Well, I guess I’ll begin. At noon Mom asked me to clean my room. Dad was gone, and would be back at 1. So she came in at 12:30, and yelled at me for not getting it done. I had just started on it. We stood there yelling at each other for awhile. Then she left. About five minutes later Mom came back. She told me that if Dad and her got divorced it would be my fault for not cooperating at all. I thought she was just threatening me.

Later, she asked me if I would be coming to Colorado with her or staying here with Dad. I asked her what she meant. She told me that they might be splitting up. I felt like crying then and there but I waited till she left. Then I cried into my pillow for awhile. Then she came in again. She talked to me about it as I cried. After about ten minutes, we asked for a miracle and then she left. Dad got home but I barely talked to him. My eyes were all red.

Dad and Mom sat in their room talking for quite awhile. Almost an hour. I listened for awhile, but after awhile I just couldn’t. Mom and Dad went to the grocery store awhile later to get lunch. We had a huge meal around 4. Mom and Dad seemed to be getting along. At six, I made cookies. At seven we watched “Upstairs Downstairs”, a T.V. show. Mom and Dad were sitting hella close together. For awhile they were holding hands. Later Mom told me that it probably wouldn’t happen. I’m scared, though. Throughout my childhood, I’d ask Dad after a fight between them, if they we’re going to get a divorce. He said, no, of course not. Then I made him promise that they wouldn’t ever get one.

I just never thought that my parents would get a divorce. They still might not. Things seem pretty normal around here. I’m just praying…

That’s not the only thing going on around here, but it’s definately the most upsetting. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I wanted to do something with the “cool group,” but it looked like it wasn’t going to happen. Anyway last night, Dave called. I broke out in a sweat after he said who it was. He told me that the plan for the 4th is that everybody goes to his house at about 7:00 or 7:15 that night. We’d go swimming at nine, we’d go the the end of the street and watch the fireworks. Then we’d go back to his house and eat dessert. Parents would pick us up at around 10:15.

I really want to go. But when I learned about my parents, I shouldn’t go with them because it might be one of the last family activities. Not to mention the fact that Dad said I couldn’t go. I really want to, though. I need to get away. Every time I see one of my parents, I get scared. I need to have some fun with my friends, and quickly! I’m going crazy I swear! But I won’t push it, in case it would just cause more trouble between my parents.

I just pray for a miracle…

Well, it couldn’t exactly be classified as a double date. It was more of a get together with 2 girls + 2 guys, at the movies. Emily and I came together and the guys came together. We got there at 2:30, which was when we had agreed to meet. We bought our tickets 4 the 2:40 showing of City Slickers 2, and headed into the lobby. We bought food at the concession stand, and proceeded towards a bench to wait 4 the guys. It was about 2:35.

We waited. Emily went to the bathroom and returned. Soon after we spotted the guys. They bought their tickets and joined us in the lobby. After Doug had bought food, the three of us ditched Dave and began to enter the theatre. Quickley Dave caught up with us. We strolled down the aisle looking 4 an emty row. There were a great many of them. We chose one. Emily took the second seat from the aisle, I grabbed the one on her right. Em shoved Doug into the aisle said which forced Dave to sit next to me.

After a few previews, a sad advertisement for the garbage can came on. Everyone remarked at how pathetic it was. I had bought Sour Patch Kids. About 20 minutes into the movie, I accidentally inhaled a few grams of sweet n’ sour sugar. The effect was a few sneezes.

About halfway through the movie Dave’s Reese’s Pieces spilled all over. Dave’s face was a tomato and Doug doubled over with laughter. Em struggled to keep from laughing and I laughed slightly and asked Dave what happened.

A while later the movie ended. The guys went to the bathroom and after realizing that that was where they had gone, we went there too. Em’s mom had been waiting outside for forty minutes and was not very happy. We dropped Dave off and went to Doug’s house. He told us that he was planning to move near Dave. Doug went bye-bye. We went to M’s house and then to ours. And now my feelings on the matter:

Wasn’t that account of my adventure just fascinating? I’m really wierd. Anyway all morning I was really nervous. But everything turned out OK. I’m not even dissapointed. I mean he couldn’t have asked me out. It was just a movie. Did you know that Dave’s brother was fifteen and that he has made all four of the holes in the walls of Dave’s house? the holes all happened because his brother was pissed at Dave. Emily made a complete and utter fool of herself in the car. Just Joking. (kinda!) I had a really great time today. I can’t wait till next time!

Ciao!

[Note: In the latest of adolescent Jen’s “gimmick” entries, the first page of the following prose is written right to left, in the fashion of Arabic calligraphy]

Directions: Hold to mirror and read!

Do you like my writing? I’m doing something different again. I’m getting good at it. Anyway, Emily called me this morning. She said that since Nat couldn’t go to the movie, Doug asked if she’d go by herself. So Em was going to go on a real date! But they didn’t go. Nat can’t go tomorrow or Fri. So M (Em) is going tomorrow (with Doug of course!) To-night we were talking on the phone. She asked if I wanted to go. I said yes, so she called Dave.

(I’m tired of writing backwards)

So now Dave and I are going on a double date with M + Doug. Of course he doesn’t know it’s a double date–Em asked if he wanted to go to the movies with her me + Doug. But technically it’s a first date. Except that in order for it to be a “date”, Dave has to ask me, or we are going out. Or I ask him. Here’s how the seating arrangement is supposed to be:

[    ][    ][    ][Dave][ Me ][  M ][Doug]|aisle|<—–chairs

It’s going to be majorly obvious that we’re being set up. M’s going to say that she wants to sit by me + Doug and since Doug has the aisle seat, Dave has to sit next to me. I pray everything works out. We’re going to go see “Getting even with Dad.” It’s a comedy starring Maccauley Culkin. I’m really nervous.

Today at ice-skating there was a guy about our age. He was semi-cute. He had his own skates and was hella good at hockey skating. Anyway, he kept sitting on the wall, looking too solemn. So Nat dared me to go over to him and ask him his name.

So I finally did it. It was Mark. A while later I was dared by Nat to go over, wave to him and say “hi, Mark!” Well, I did it. His younger brother was there and after some investigating, I found out that his name was Isaac and that Mark likes Dr. Pepper. It was so funny! It gave ice skating a twist.

I don’t know what to do about the movie tomorrow. I’m so nervous. What will happen? I can’t count my chickens before they’re hatched, so nothing’s certain.

In an effort to look good, I braided my wet hair tonight. If it doesn’t look good, I can just brush the crimps out and look normal. I hope everything works out. Wish me luck!

about 4:50 pm

I was talking to Emily this morning and she said that last night after she was home, Doug called her and asked her if she wanted to go on a double date to a matinee with Natalie and Jordan. I know I shouldn’t be hurt but I am. Since she’s been going out with Doug, it seems like I’m inferior. She said that maybe we could triple with me and Dave, but I have to face reality. There’s no hope for us.

I know she’d not trying to make me feel inferior but she is. Or maybe I just feel inferior. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s not going to work out between Dave and I. I still like him though. Or maybe it’s not that I’m in love with him but that I’m in love with being in love. I haven’t liked anyone for sooo long, I jumped at the chance to like someone. I guess I forgot the pain that comes with it.

I just wish I had a boyfriend so I wouldn’t feel so left out. I keep wishing that the phone would ring. Dave would be on the other end. He would want me to go out with him. But the phone rings and it’s not Dave. On what level did I choose this hell for myself? I know Natalie and Emily tried their best to get Dave and I together, but they failed. Emily says Dave asked them about making us get on rides together after I got dropped off last night. She also said that Doug thought or thinks that Dave and I would make a cute couple but I think that he was just agreeing with his girlfriend. I don’t know what to do. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Even though I know it’s pointless, I want Em+Nat to keep trying. I wish there was hope for the situation. I could call Dave and ask him out but that would just end in my dying of embaressment because he said no. I know I should be more, but I was positive and look at where that got me. I swear, I’, about to give up on myself

about 9:30 P.M.

All night, I sat around, staring at the phone; wishing it was Natalie or Emily. I wanted to suggest that since Natalie can’t go to the date thing tomorrow, that they all come to ice skating. But the phone didn’t right all night! And I wasn’t about to call them. The truth is, I really want them to try to get me+Dave to go to the movie. This fuckin pen j  at v   k!

What I was TRYING to write was that the pen won’t work. and that I want them to try again at getting me + Dave together. I really like him. I don’t just like the idea of liking him as I had suspected. Ana called and I’m talking to her. This SUCKS!

She’s prying into my personal life. Shut up, Ana! Lately I’ve been taking my anger out on anybody. Usually my sister. I kept snapping at her. Then, early this morning when snapped at her, she started crying. My point is that I have to much anger and hurt. Well maybe not hurt but upsetness (is that a word?). I don’t feel like crying but I’m so upset.

I’m dissapointed that we didn’t get together and I’m hurt that just because I’m not going out w/ anyone, I’m excluded. I know that it’s not really that way. There are two couples in the “cool group”, and they’re getting together. I don’t really belong in the “cool group”. Why? Well, I don’t know any of the guys very well and lately it seems as if Emily and Natalie are better friends than Emily and I.

I just don’t feel like a part of any group. I wish it was. If it was up to the guys in the “cool group”, I wouldn’t be in it. I know that. Everyone in the “cool group” has all these inside jokes. I’m not part of any. Maybe I just won’t go to anything that’s planned. I don’t belong there. I know that the only way for me to belong there is if I keep going, but I won’t be able to handle the pain. I hate being left out! It is just one thing I can’t stand. And I will be left out in the “cool group”. I could hang out with Natalie or Emily but they’re hanging with their boyfriends which leaves me with no one I know well. For awhile my life seemed to be looking up. But it went downhill.

My life sucks and I know it. I watch Barney for heaven’s sake! I have the TV listings memorized. My life revolves around the tube. I did go to see Maverick today with Fred. It was fun. Tomorrow I have ice-skating. That’ll be cool. At least I won’t watch VH1 + MTV all day. DAMN, my life sucks. It’s pointless. I’ll bet I haven’t made one person happy that I’m alive!

I was playing computer games earlier. I told myself as I began a game of “Keys 2 the Castle” that if I won I’d go out w/ Dave and if I didn’t I wouldn’t. I hardly ever win but I won. I know that
doesn’t mean anything since there’s no hope for us as a couple. I believe in fate and I know that if it was meant to be, it would have been. Or will be–YEAH, right! Snort, snort. Dave obviously isn’t interested. I just have to face the facts. I may never have a boyfriend. I wonder what the best way to kill yourself is, I’m joking. I would never even consider suicide. But, right now a gunshot looks mighty tempting.

No good news to report. Unfortunately. I’m pretty dissapointed. I knew that the plan wasn’t foolproof. Dave and I are definately better friends, now. Our group, the “cool group”, is supposed to go on many other trips. Now I have a much better chance with him. Emily and Natalie kept trying to get me+him on rides together. They couldn’t have made it more obvious. They did get us to go on a lot of rides together. We ended up going on the ship ride together–about 5 times! We went on the Nightmare (stupid baby ride) together–once. We went on a ferris wheel–once. We didn’t end up going on the giant wheel at all. Whenever we went on the ship one, Emily would make a sign to tell me to get us to sit closer together. I ignored the signs. Emily ended up telling Doug the plan. I don’t mind. Just as long as he doesn’t tell Dave.

I felt very left out for a lot of the time. Doug was talking to Emily; Natalie was talking to Dave. Jordan didn’t end up going. It turns out that Dave is afraid of heights, so since I didn’t like the ship ride too much, we went on it together. We were named wusses for sitting close to the middle. I had a pretty good time, even though at times I felt it was really pointless to be there. OW, my throat REALLY hurts. Because it drove Dave nutso, Natalie and I screamed at every single ride–no matter how stupid it was. I’m really tired and depressed.

Bye.

[Note: This entry is written upside down]

Change in plans! Something came up and Emily’s mom won’t be able to drive. Dave’s mom is! I’m going to be in his house! I have no idea what’s going to happen. I know I’m writing upside-down. I want to do something different! But, I’m so nervous! What am I going to say? How am I going to keep conversation going on the ferris wheel? Help! I hope it works out! Natalie says he knows who I am. Cool! She said he was naming the list of people going and asked him if he knew me. He said like, “Isn’t she the brunette?” So he knows me! He was cool to talk on the phone with. I didn’t know his voice was so deep! Oh well. Maybe it was destorted by the phone!

I’m just so nervous! I hope everything goes right. I hope he falls in love with me. When I walk into his house. Well I’ll pray!

Bonne nuit! Bonne chance pour moi!

Last night, I spent the night at M’s. It was fun. I hope the thing with Dave works out. I do. I like him; it’s not just a deal with M anymore. Of course I felt this way about Andy about a year ago. I hope I like him and I don’t just think I do. I’m pretty sure I like him–but I haven’t seen him since–I don’t know when. Awhile ago.

The fair thing is kinda falling apart. Jordan can’t go. Ana might go. HELL! We don’t want to try to find a replacement for Jordan. We’re going 2 see if he can go on Tuesday. So we might be going 2 days after tomorrow, instead the day after tomorrow. I just want the whole thing to get over with. I don’t want Ana 2 go, because though I don’t mind M+N meddling in my personal life, I definately do not want her to! I trust them but she would do more bad than good. Probably, she’d tell Dave that the whole thing is a set up. She’s a bitch! My pink pen does not work! I don’t trust her I don’t want 2 spend a day with her. I’ve had enough of her to last a lifetime. Even if she doesn’t go, the plan with me + Dave isn’t foolproof. There is no foolproof way 2 do it. I hope their plan works. When I was on the phone with Ana today, she said something about feeling sorry 4 me ’cause they’re setting me up with Dave. I’m sorry but if she’d stick 2 her own business, everyone’s lives would be better. Even an old foggie in Japan’s! I’m tired of changing colors It’s pointless.

Maybe I should ask him out. Yeah right! Trust me, you’ll get a detailed account of the day! Why do people bother with “he said” & “she said”? Oh, well. We’ve just lost the ability to talk face to face with someone of the opposite sex. Or the same sex if you’re a homo. Does it get any easier? I hope so! I don’t know if I can stand this 4 much longer!

I feel bad 4 Natalie. Her relationship isn’t going so well with Jorday. That’s good for Emily. How can something be good for one person and horrible for another? I wish I knew Jordan really well so I could get his feelings. I hope that when (not if!) I go out with Dave, it’s good 4 both of us. Natalie said I should be more positive so it’s when we go out–not if we go out!

I could take up the rest of this diary with worries about the day at the fair. But, I’m not going to worry about it. Here is a line from Amazing by Aerosmith:

“And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings.”

That’s true. I can prepare and go through all the possibilities of what could happen–but what good would that do? Here’s another:

“And how high can you fly with broken wings?”

That makes perfect sense to me. It’s true, right? Think about it.

Well I’m going to fly–I’m going to go out with Dave! I don’t think I have broken wings, but:

“You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk.”

I believe in myself. I’m sure that Dave will like me for what I am–hey, Wes did it right? J.K. If he can’t see what’s on the inside of me it’s not worth it to try and make him. I can just hope and pray.

Please God–

I’m writing this from the bottom of my heart. Let Dave like me + have us go out. PLEASE!