Insult Submission!!

I’m excited to report that my request for insults has not gone unanswered!

“Nunya Business” from San Jose, CA, writes:

I met you at a few of the parties. You’re a crazy, soul destroying, manhood leeching, empty capsule of a human being’s capacity to be rational.

Granted, this was not a comment on the blog where I asked for insults, but on the one where I discussed our previous Roommate From Hell’s propensity for peeing on stuff.

So, it might be personal.

Regardless, let’s put it to the test. As I wrote the other day, I propose that all really good insults need to be…

Terrible
Haunting
Insulting
Nefarious
Katabolic

Assuming that this insult was meant for me, we can fairly assess its effectiveness.

Was this terrible? Well, it did make me feel pretty lousy. Except I’m pretty sure it’s from my ex Roommate From Hell, so you have to consider the source. Also, you can’t make an omelet without breaking any eggs. FYI.

Was this haunting? Nah. I’ve already forgotten it.

Insulting? Vaguely. “Empty capsule of a human being’s capacity to be rational.” What does this even mean? I don’t feel very empty. On closer look, I don’t think this makes sense. That makes me laugh. FAIL!

Nefarious? Reading your ex-roommate’s blog and posting insults? Nah. That’s child’s play.

Katabolic? Not at all. Thanks for the fodder for the blog, buddy.
Continue Reading

Life Lesson: It is an extremely bad idea to put coffee into a cup already containing a tea bag

Even if you’re running out the door to the vet because your cat is acting really really strange and doesn’t want breakfast for the first time EVER and it’s the cup that you used yesterday so it’s pretty clean and you just really have to get out the door.

No. The coffee on top of a teabag makes the coffee taste like tea and then it’s neither coffee or tea. Getting to that appointment on time was not worth this suffering!!

Photo of what I wish I were drinking: a caffe latte from Subrosa.

Oh and Gus is okay but got into a little spat with some extremely misguided other cat. Grrr. Continue Reading

THINK before you speak

My coach introduced me to this awesome acronym to help you gage whether your input is worth sharing. Ask yourself, is this sentiment…

Timely
Helpful
Important
Necessary
Kind

When all five of those are satisfied, then you can be sure that you are being the best possible person you can be at that juncture. That’s all well and good and I’m sure good advice.

But I’d like to suggest that we THINK before we insult, as well. When you take the time to be mean, ask yourself, is this feedback…

Terrible
Haunting
Insulting
Nefarious
Katabolic

Only when all five are truly delivered, do you have a scorn worthy of leaving your lips.

I think we can all agree that a jab that is merely insulting but not haunting — a waste of breath! You want that person to remember what you said for all eternity.

Further, any derision that is up to par on nefarious (EVIL for those of you who didn’t do so well on the SATs), but falls down short on katabolic doesn’t do the job when it comes to breaking down your adversary. A truly worthy slander will leave the subject torn up and silent. You don’t want to risk a comeback, after all!

Let’s see how this system works by taking as an example, the offense I delivered to Roommate from Hell the other day

“I hope your new place is as slovenly as you’d hoped this one would be.”

Was this…

Terrible? I suppose it was a little bit, but I wouldn’t say it was that bad.
Haunting? I’d like to think so, but I bet it wasn’t.
Insulting? Yes, I do think I hit this nail on the head.
Nefarious? Meh. I give me a C+ on nefarious.
Katabolic? FAIL.

Let’s consider as an alternate example, one that an associate thought up…

“Did you move back home with Mommy and Daddy so they could clean up after you?”

If this had been said, would it have been…

Terrible? YES.
Haunting? Oh the truth! Oh the childhood associations!! YES!
Insulting? Oh yes!
Nefarious? Delivered in the right tone, I’d say so!
Katabolic? This might depend on the recipient…if he had a particularly harsh childhood, this one could really, really cut to the core. Worth a try, I’d say.

Yes, I do think this system works. What do you think? Continue Reading

Ahhhh a childhood game I wasn’t very good at is coming to life!

My father sent over this shockingly disturbing video about Google Glasses:

In the future, Google can be with us EVEN MORE than it already is. It can help us get to the art books in a bookstore, or find a dog to pet while walking down the street. Thank goodness I don’t have to ever talk to another book store worker again.

As technology advances, it’s harder and harder to reconcile the perceived absurdity of the science fiction books and games I enjoyed as a pre-teen and the reality of today with those crazy ipad things and little vacuums that travel around the room cleaning for you. Is this the Jetsons or what??

I first met the concept of informative glasses while playing the Journeyman Project, a sci fi game that came out in 1992. Here’s a clip where you–the player–Agent 5–put on the glasses and head out into the world.

These glasses give you all sorts of info about the world…and supposedly help you get through the game.

I wasn’t ever very good at that game, and it haunts me as one that got away…perhaps it was too smart for me, or perhaps those cumbersome informative glasses were just too helpful for me.

So I have to wonder…I’m pretty good at life. But if Google Glasses become a reality, then my life becomes the Journeyman Project and then what if I won’t be good at it anymore??

What do I do??? Drop everything and work to destroy Google? But I have things to do. And friends who work at Google! Also, I’m very reliant on Gmail.

My head is exploding. AHHHHH!!! Continue Reading

Why would anyone pee on their own toilet seat?

Well, after five long months, I am proud to say that I am finally free of my ROOMMATE FROM HELL (RFH).

And, wonderfully, free from all roommates. I’d like to take this opportunity to kick off a series of horrible roommate stories. Do you have one? Please share them in the comments or send to fanmail@jenniferheller.com.  Bonus points if you have photos to go with!

To kick it off, here’s a good one…

Bright Idea: Let’s Pee on the Toilet Seat

I had just returned to the house to work on moving our final items.  The house, as usual, stank to high heaven of rotted food and cigarettes.  That wasn’t the worst of it…no the worst of it was the pee on the toilet seat. It was caked on there, nice and sticky and yellow.  This guy didn’t drink much water — so much was apparent.

‘Why would anyone pee on their own toilet seat??’ I wondered to myself as I shook my head in disgust.  Thank god I had peed before I left the house.  I had long before decided NOT going to clean up after this idiot any more.

And then he’s back.  Unfortunately.  I recognize that I need to say something, given that I have to return to this apartment that I once loved so much a few more times to get my remaining things.  I approached, reluctantly.

“Hey there. ”  I mustered up my best friendly voice.

The RFH grunted a greeting…if you could call it that.

My blood boiled.  I took a deep breath, and asked him, “Hey, could you refrain from peeing ON the toilet seat?  We still need to use the bathroom…”

“Oh jeez.”

This was all I could take.  “OH JEEZ???”  I wanted to scream, but I kept my voice as calm and still as I could.  “‘OH JEEZ’ is your response to my request for common courtesty?!!”

“Oh come on.  There’s only a few days left.”

Well, he was right about that.  I only had a few days to get in the hundreds of barbs I’d been working on.  I took the opportunity. “I hope your new place is as slovenly as you’d hoped this one would be.”

And turned on my heel and walked away.

Continue Reading

A Muddler: The Poor Boozer’s Coffee Grinder

Once upon a time Will and I were addicted to coffee.  That time may or may not be now.

We were out of ground coffee the other day.  We were not, however, out of coffee, just ground coffee.  Without a coffee grinder, we stood around the kitchen looking at each other for awhile.

“How about a mortar and pestle?”

Well, we didn’t have one of those.

But what we did have was a muddler — the necessary tool for making Mojitos and Old Fashioneds.  A muddler and a plastic cup.

We weren’t sure it would work, but we were desperate.

And you know what? It did. So, boozers, if you’re out of ground coffee and have a muddler around, no need to suffer through caffeine withdrawal. No, all you need a plastic cup and a lot of elbow grease and you’re back in business.

Phew. Continue Reading

New House = Wonderful Surprises

The move has been intense.  We’ve been at it for a month, and we’re not done yet.  We’re finally free of the old place, but now our downstairs is filled to the brim with boxes of goodness knows what all.

Thankfully, there have been some wonderful surprises along the way.

Mystery Money

From time to time, we would stumble on a ten dollar bill hidden in a cabinet or door…

Strange, no?

In total we were surprised with about $100 in mystery ten dollar bills.  Can’t argue with that, right?

Surprise Flowers!

My first lazy Sunday afternoon, I heard a knock at the door. Expecting Jehovah’s Witnesses, I opened the door and what did I see?? The most beautiful collection of flowers I could imagine! And our lovely new neighbor offering them to me as a welcome to the neighborhood present.

Thanks new house.

I’m a big fan, I gotta say. Continue Reading

Ahhh We Lost the Guster!

The Guster is not a very courageous fellow. The saying, “Curiosity killed the cat,” almost doesn’t apply to him — that’s how fearful he is.

Until we brought him to his our new home Saturday night.

We didn’t really plan the move well. We thought we would take our time, but then when push came to shove, we had an empty gleaming apartment to move into and we didn’t want to do anything else.

We dropped everything, and brought the bed and the Guster over. Living there has been a little like urban camping — not much furniture, only the basics. Just what we need to survive: some food, a litterbox, a bed and Gus.

He was pretty upset and meowing a lot, but I could tell he was okay because we were there. He walked the perimeter of the house over and over sniffing everything. Eventually he took a sit on one of our familiar kitchen chairs and just watched us.

We went outside to sit on the stoop and enjoy a celebratory beer. Gus came along. He likes to come outside with us. He sniffed around… I went back inside for something and he followed me right back in.

Good Guster!!

We went back out to join Will. The Guster went back to sniffing the neighborhood. Will and I stopped paying attention for a bit… and then when it was time to come back in, he was nowhere to be found!

We called him over and over to no avail. Not willing to leave the front door wide open, we reluctantly turned in without our best furry buddy.

I didn’t sleep a wink. Every noise the new house made I was sur was Gus coming to the door. Eventually I put together a pile of blankets and tried to sleep next to the door so I could be sure not to miss him. Every hour or so I got up and tried to track him down.

Nothing.

The morning arrived, and we combed the neighborhood shaking our cat food and calling him. Nothing. Now, he’s not a young cat. He can’t scale fences and is terrified of anything new. I knew he couldn’t have gotten far, but at the same time I was sure that he might have been scared into running away by the howls of the neighboring dogs. Who knows where he’d end up??

Distraught, we asked our new neighbors. I made signs and we posted them throughout the neighborhood. With nothing else to do but try to ignore our heavy hearts, we went back to unpacking. It was lunchtime, and I made sandwiches in our new kitchen. Ham and cheese. Pretty good, though we hadn’t moved the toaster yet and toasted bread makes sandwiches better.

Sandwiches in hand, I went out to our stoop to call Will for lunch. He was out looking for the Guster again. I looked left and wonder where Will could be. I looked to the right and lo and behold! Who do I see cautiously walking towards me? No one else but the Guster.

I screamed and grabbed him and gave him the biggest hug he’d ever gotten. He was sleepy; just waking up from a nap in the neighbor’s overgrown yard and deaf to our pleas.

Cats. I swear they don’t care about anyone but themselves.

Continue Reading

Girl Scout Cookies: Stingier than they used to be

The last year I sold Girl Scout cookies was 1999. Yes, it’s true, I was an 18-year-old Girl Scout.

Here’s a photo for proof:

In 1999, Girl Scout cookies cost $3.50 a box. This is after years of the price going up so regularly that customers expected and joked about it.

Fast forward 13 years and Girl Scout cookies are now $4.00 a box. How is it possible that they only have gone up $0.50??

Instead of increasing the cost, they’ve decreased the yield.

Thin mint rolls used to fill up the box…give a full box a shake now and it doubles as a maraca…the rolls of cookies bouncing around. I swear that peanut butter patties (aka Tagalongs) used to come six to a roll, not the measely five you now get.

It’s the truth and it’s pretty sad, but I can’t really blame the Girl Scouts…it’s all marketing…no one wants to pay more than $4 for a box of cookies.

And three cheers for the Girl Scouts for being inclusive of that transgendered kid. Makin’ me proud. Continue Reading