FAQ: Why are you doing the Diary Project?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Well, you know, I don’t really know. Or maybe I do.

Each year I have an annual festival of my birth (Jenfest) and last year (2009), the theme was an Anti-Roast (because my boyfriend was NOT cool with having people roast me 🙂 ). I didn’t know what an Anti-Roast was or what it was going to look like. I thought that maybe people could make fun of me, but it was in a large venue and I knew most people wouldn’t participate.

One day I thought, let’s read from my journals. I don’t remember how the thought came about, but it perfectly fit the theme.  Instead of people roasting me, I was going to roast myself by allowing people to read from them and completely humiliate me! And, I knew, it would be hilarious!

I had some friends go through my journals with me to find the good parts, which we marked (I wound up photocopying them to ensure that my journals wouldn’t get stolen…it’s sad, but sometimes you just don’t trust people. They’re assholes sometimes). While we were going through them, they were reading lines aloud and laughing uproariously. It was REALLY hard to stomach. Friends laughing over my lack of boobs over the years! Over my obsession with my handwriting!  I couldn’t believe I’d thought of this, and it was too late to turn back.  But after awhile of listening to them talk about it, I really just was like, this is so real, it’s so raw. And funny. Very funny. I think ultimately the web version isn’t as funny; it’s more monotonous and slow-moving — like a soap opera.  But that’s what brings the reality, I think.  You gotta earn the good parts–ha!

But back to why; one of my missions is to bring more joy and hilarity (and beauty!) to the internet, so it was kind of a natural decision to release them. My boyfriend wasn’t too cool with it, but I convinced him that the person I was 18 years ago isn’t the me now. Rather, it’s this hilarious version of me that was boy crazy and ridiculous. I love it. He came around, though now that I write out the argument I realize that I must have been more convincing in person.

We’re only three and a half months in, and I have 13 journals total that believe they span 5th through 12th grade!  This project is kinda like a pet–a LOT of commitment. I do get some vacations; for instance, right now, I have a four month window where 6th grade Jen didn’t write at all–despite starting Middle School on Monday!

So what about you?  Will you share a diary or journal entry with the followers of the Diary Project during this four month window?  We’d love it if you would!

Sneak Peek: September 9, 1996

Originally Written on September 9, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Mon. 10:35pm

Hello. I left you on Friday. Well I went to school. Normal. I went to the dance. Sucky. Not really, but kinda. It was very uneventful. I really don’t feel like discussing the details. It was just another dance. I didn’t have fun until Nathan, Joel and Dylan left. That’s ok.

Sophomore me had been going to dances for quite a while now.  Yes, they were pretty old hat, by now, though this particular picture was taken in Spring 1997.

Saturday, I went over to Sarah’s and watched Pulp Fiction with Jenine. That was enjoyable. That night Nathan, Joel, Leah and Justine sat across the street from my house.  I wasn’t allowed to go to the mall cause I was sick, so I sat with them since Leah really needed to talk to me.  So I talked to her.  The others left after a bit under an hour and soon after so did she.

Sunday I went to the mall with Sarah for a little while.  Uneventful.

Today.  Another school day.  I’m afraid I’ve stopped allowing future me to realize how great my life now is.  Interaction between Humphrites and life under Humphrey has somewhat come to a stop in here.  I don’t really share much.  My feelings, yeah, but so much of the time at school I smile and laugh so much but I can’t write it down. Even at the mall or Great America or wherever.  All you hear is “that was fun” which must get really old after awhile.  Life is fun though.  I don’t normally not have fun. But, without the bad times, you wouldn’t appreciate the bad. But in here, do the good times get blended into everyday life?!!!

If you are confused right now, I don’t blame you.  Humphrey was the name of the TREE, yes the TREE, that we sat around to eat.  It was next to the bathrooms and really, really far away from where all the “cool kids” were sitting.  We named a tree.  Yes, we did.

Well, I have to try to stop that, if I can.  Right now, I think I’ll expand a little on Humphrey:

The Humphrites:

These are the people that are accepted as a normal part of life at Humphrey.  There really is no criteria, but there are some people who do eat there daily that are still not really Humphrites.  This is my opinion and it is open to debate by any other Humphrite or branch.  The following, I see as Humphrites:

me (of course)
Lauren
Sarah
Bob
Ivan
Nathan
Joel
Dylan
Matt
Tony (although some may not agree.  I sometimes don’t agree.)
Hillary (fading fast)
Tricia*
Brittany*
* gone, but Humphrites nonetheless

Branches:

Branches are people who either eat at Humphry sometimes, just started, or in some special cases don’t go to our school but are our friends anyway.

These may also be referred to as trees and could grow into Humphrites ate any time.  The following are Branches:

Valerie
Kirk
Ben
Leah
Greg
Justine
Melissa Mann
Jan (in a weird way)

Keep in mind, other’s lists may differ and mine may be incomplete.  Now, interaction at Humphrey is weird.  Most everybody can stand everyone else.  Oh!  These are the lunch crowd:

me
Bob
Lauren
Leah (most of the time)
Justine (most of the time)
Ivan
Kirk
Nathan
Dylan
Matt
Joel
Hillary (sometimes)
Melissa Mann (sometimes)
Tony

Back to social interaction.  Most peers would call us weird.  I don’t see it — not really.  Well, I guess we are.  We are a diverse group of people and each of us could be put into a slightly different stereotype, although none of us are stereotypical.  Except maybe Justine.  Sometimes, people get upset, fight, yell, run away, leave, hug, make out (rare), throw stuff (not rare at all), but that should be expected.

I would love to go into a personality profile of each but I don’t think I can.  I would also like to describe a typical lunch scene, but there is no typical.  Lunch varies.  Sometimes it can get monotonous, and sometimes, when lots of people are missing, lonely and depressing (at least for me – since I love to be surrounded by friends) but normally it’s exciting.  Today, for instance, I got to cut Ivan’s sweat pants into zig zag shorts.  that was fun!  A highlight of the year.  The Humphrey crowd continues out of school, especially with me.  Most of the people we all associate w/ eat at Humphrey!  I talk on the phone with 10/14 of the lunchers on a regular basis.  Which brings me out of my psycho-analysis into a description of my evening.

Yes, 10th grade me really did just wish you a nice day. So don’t tell me that it’s rude of me to myself to post these on the Internet. It’s what I wanted.  Have a nice day!

I finished my homework early so sat and goofed off.  It was a wonderful, chaotic phone night.  I had a billion people to talk to and some of the best conversations this year.  My conversation with Nathan about vampires for instance.  He says I’m weird.  He’s not the only one.  Anyway, I think I included that last part just to say that I had a really great day.  I hope you (whoever you are) did too.

See ya

Jen

Steely Dan – My Old School

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m posting sneak peeks of the upcoming years of diary entries in the absence of any news from 12 year old me (apparently the beginning of Junior High was just too stressful and embarrassing even for the diaries).  Digging through the later years made me realize how cruel girls are, and how cruel I was.  Jealousy and hormones do horrible things to the brain; to my brain.

To which end, I came up with the following disclaimer:

“Jennifer Heller does not endorse the views expressed in these diaries and regrets the excesses of her teenage self. Further, it must be noted, as every fiber of our body is completely regenerated after seven years and we are a different person, the reader releases the current incarnation of Jennifer Heller from any liability for the views expressed in these diaries. ”

Which I will post at the beginning of each, um, regrettably mean entry.

Today this song struck me as particularly embodying the intense emotions felt during one’s tender years, and coming up, in grave detail, over the next few years.

I hope he saw the tears in my eyes. I hope he realizes they were threatening to fall because of him

Originally Written on October 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Last night could have quite possibly be the worst dance I’ll ever go to. For a while, I just saw Justin, but I finally spotted Eric. I guess it was so bad because I realized, “hey, I have not chance!” Eric has no idea who the hell I am, and everytime I saw him he had 4 or 5 girls all over him. Running their fingers through his hair, trying to get him to dance with them. If he even noticed I was there, he probably didn’t recognize me from Art & PE. Continue Reading

If I die, I love everybody. I know I’ll die just not yet.

Originally Written on October 13, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Damn, it’s been a long time. Hmm. Well, last weekend was very boring. I don’t think I did much of anything. Lisa probably came over. Oh and Friday (10-4) I went over to Amanda’s. That was wierd. I’m sick of trying to invict morals to the morally deprived! Oh, well. I guess lecturing Amanda for the billionth time about AIDs and pregnancy is completely normal by now. Erika was sick but she’s pretty much better now. Oh! I’m a hell of a lot happier now. Much. I do love myself. I did my book report all last weekend. All last week, I was happier. Shawn H. was pissed at the world, Mike was down on himself, James was with Amy V., Erika was back, Bryan was with Lannie, Fred was flirtacious and Lisa was Lisa. Continue Reading

I’ve come up with two conclusions from going: 1. Doug likes Natalie & 2. Jeff likes Katie. It was really obvious.

Originally Written on October 19, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

There was no school today. Last night I went to Scaregrounds with Natalie, Katie, Kris B. and Doug. Unfortunately we met Jeff there and he hung out with us for the rest of the night. But despite Jeff’s company, I had a great time. It was really cool. We went in a perfect sized group and had a blast. There was enough people so you never really felt left out and but not too many so you had to move in a giant group and nobody had a say in what happened. I’ve come up with two conclusions from going: 1. Doug likes Natalie & 2. Jeff likes Katie. It was really obvious.

After scaregrounds, Val & I spent the night at Katie’s. It was great. All morning we made pretzels for their German class, and then Fred came over to help. This SIP day was the best!

Yours
Jennifer Heller

I feel desirable knowing that at least seven guys on the face of this earth find me somewhat attractive. Complete.

Originally Written on October 28, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Hello! Well let’s see. Not much feeling wise has happened lately. Umm.. well. Events

Thursday I went to school. I took some tests. Yeah. Something must have happened. Oh, well. It’ll come to me.

After school, Erika came over. We sat around here for a little while and then went to the mall. For awhile we shopped for bras. I’m a whole cup! Continue Reading

I used to be the one to have to say hi in English or to talk to him in Algebra. Now he’s talking to me.

Originally Written on November 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The past few days have been wonderful. On Sat. I went to Great American with my troop and had a blast. Yesterday was Halloween and that was very cool too. But those weren’t the reasons why I’m in 7th heaven. The reason is that everyday, I get closer to him. I used to be the one to have to say hi in English or to talk to him in Algebra. Now he’s talking to me. Here are some examples:

Yesterday: Eng. – I was wearing my costume & he asked me what I was. History – He was heading back down our row after having to go up for some reason. He said Ola to me! I was in heaven. Algebra – He started studying me with Steve. Mike H. asked me why I was talking and I said because I was too good at it not too. Greg asked me why I was whispering. I think I said that I talk too much and he said that he did, too.

This one’s embarassing.

Today: Eng. He comes over at the beginning of class and starts talking to me & Ana about candy & how much he got. History – nothing. Algebra – We got the same grade on the test an 84% – bad. He asked me for an answer for a problem on our homework. That means he knows I’m smart & he respects my answer. We got the same one. He also mouthed to me that Steve was annoying!

Thirteen-year-old-me dreaming of marriage!

I’m beginning to think that I may actually have a chance with him. I don’t like Justin that much anymore ’cause I don’t have a chance with him. But, these past few days have been great because every day we get closer. I know he still likes Alyssia, though. So I’m just going to wait for her to get through with Brent (her current boyfriend), so Greg can ask her out. Then she’ll get through with him, providing she says yes, which she will, and ask me out! It’s perfect. NOT!

In Love,

Jennifer G.H.H. W.

I found out I have a 3.8 for first quarter. Go me! That’ll really help me achieve my admission to CAL!

Originally Written on November 7, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Hmmm. Let’s see what’s been going on? Well I’ve been at school. I found out I have a 3.8 for first quarter. Go me! That’ll really help me achieve my admission to CAL! Monday night, at Mock Trial, I found out ti got a lawyer. I’m not sure which type yet, but I made it! And I’m pretty good! I was so proud- for once I wanted something, I actually went for it and I got it!!! I was really proud. I’m either Defense trial or Defense pretrial. I’d rather be pretrial, but either’s fine. I even enjoy the homework. And there is a lot of that!

Anyway, that’s my good news. Tuesday night (11/5) I called Katie to wish her a happy birthday. She wasn’t home so called me back last night. It was odd but I love her. She’s coming to visit in January. She’s bringing her Oregon friend Kristin. It will be odd, but oh well. I suppose I’m looking forward to it.

Yesterday, after school, Heather came over. We worked on Mock Trial and goofed off and then went to Mock Trial; fairly boring for me for I only was able to interview one witness. That’s alright. As soon as everyone has their parts we can start practicing. Wa hoo! I love Heather. We’re becoming pretty close. Especially since I’m not really speaking to Bryan.

Bryan is a Scorpio. I’ve since then learned to avoid Scorpios as much as possible.

Oh that. Didn’t you know? He told me that I’ve “changed” and I’m “pathetic.” That was Mon or Tues. I just kinda looked at him, turned around and stopped talking to him. If he talked to me, I’d speak to him, but I most certainly didn’t go out of my way to talk to him. Today it was a little better. We sat at the same table during the PLAN testing (boring–too easy) and talked some during History so then this evening I was in a really fabulous mood and I had no one to talk to so I called him, hoping to try to mend our friendship. Mike was over and I got bored so I hung up when he had another call. He called me back 1/2 hour later to tell me he was soory, but I was talking to Lisa who was pretty depressed so I didn’t talk to him. I was pretty cold to him, but you know I take a lot of crap from him and have never, ever dished it out, to him at least and I don’t have to put up with it. I have always cared so much about him and he has never cared back, so I give up! I’m sick of this and I’m tired of obsessing over him. So I will give up. Whatever happens, happens.

Tim and I have gotten pretty close now. He’s so huggy and clingy. I know he wants me, but I don’t want him. I’ll play around with him and hug him and let him hold me, but I don’t want anything more. I’m a bit afraid though. Oh, well. He calls me a lot. Starting today. Wierd. Lisa and James came over today. Lisa’s really depressed. So’s James, kinda. I’m pretty happy. The only thing bugging me is the Bryan thing. But I try not to let it hurt me. It does, but oh, well I’ll survive. Tonight, I was talking to Erika and we were laughing just like we used to for hours until her parents interfered. You know? A major part of my life doesn’t get in here. Email that is. Normally, I don’t write about that when I spend a while writing people. Well, read corresponding letters, reader! And my writing. I am changing but I like what I’m becoming. It’s kinda depressing. I don’t find a lot of perverted humor funny anymore. It used to be. I don’t find Bryan anything more than a bastard. Sigh. That’s alright. Anyway, I’m exhausted and I probably could go on forever, but I’m going to bed.

This probably qualifies as an identity crisis.

Love always,

Jen
Zee
Zev
nameless