about 4:50 pm

I was talking to Emily this morning and she said that last night after she was home, Doug called her and asked her if she wanted to go on a double date to a matinee with Natalie and Jordan. I know I shouldn’t be hurt but I am. Since she’s been going out with Doug, it seems like I’m inferior. She said that maybe we could triple with me and Dave, but I have to face reality. There’s no hope for us.

I know she’d not trying to make me feel inferior but she is. Or maybe I just feel inferior. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s not going to work out between Dave and I. I still like him though. Or maybe it’s not that I’m in love with him but that I’m in love with being in love. I haven’t liked anyone for sooo long, I jumped at the chance to like someone. I guess I forgot the pain that comes with it.

I just wish I had a boyfriend so I wouldn’t feel so left out. I keep wishing that the phone would ring. Dave would be on the other end. He would want me to go out with him. But the phone rings and it’s not Dave. On what level did I choose this hell for myself? I know Natalie and Emily tried their best to get Dave and I together, but they failed. Emily says Dave asked them about making us get on rides together after I got dropped off last night. She also said that Doug thought or thinks that Dave and I would make a cute couple but I think that he was just agreeing with his girlfriend. I don’t know what to do. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Even though I know it’s pointless, I want Em+Nat to keep trying. I wish there was hope for the situation. I could call Dave and ask him out but that would just end in my dying of embaressment because he said no. I know I should be more, but I was positive and look at where that got me. I swear, I’, about to give up on myself

about 9:30 P.M.

All night, I sat around, staring at the phone; wishing it was Natalie or Emily. I wanted to suggest that since Natalie can’t go to the date thing tomorrow, that they all come to ice skating. But the phone didn’t right all night! And I wasn’t about to call them. The truth is, I really want them to try to get me+Dave to go to the movie. This fuckin pen j  at v   k!

What I was TRYING to write was that the pen won’t work. and that I want them to try again at getting me + Dave together. I really like him. I don’t just like the idea of liking him as I had suspected. Ana called and I’m talking to her. This SUCKS!

She’s prying into my personal life. Shut up, Ana! Lately I’ve been taking my anger out on anybody. Usually my sister. I kept snapping at her. Then, early this morning when snapped at her, she started crying. My point is that I have to much anger and hurt. Well maybe not hurt but upsetness (is that a word?). I don’t feel like crying but I’m so upset.

I’m dissapointed that we didn’t get together and I’m hurt that just because I’m not going out w/ anyone, I’m excluded. I know that it’s not really that way. There are two couples in the “cool group”, and they’re getting together. I don’t really belong in the “cool group”. Why? Well, I don’t know any of the guys very well and lately it seems as if Emily and Natalie are better friends than Emily and I.

I just don’t feel like a part of any group. I wish it was. If it was up to the guys in the “cool group”, I wouldn’t be in it. I know that. Everyone in the “cool group” has all these inside jokes. I’m not part of any. Maybe I just won’t go to anything that’s planned. I don’t belong there. I know that the only way for me to belong there is if I keep going, but I won’t be able to handle the pain. I hate being left out! It is just one thing I can’t stand. And I will be left out in the “cool group”. I could hang out with Natalie or Emily but they’re hanging with their boyfriends which leaves me with no one I know well. For awhile my life seemed to be looking up. But it went downhill.

My life sucks and I know it. I watch Barney for heaven’s sake! I have the TV listings memorized. My life revolves around the tube. I did go to see Maverick today with Fred. It was fun. Tomorrow I have ice-skating. That’ll be cool. At least I won’t watch VH1 + MTV all day. DAMN, my life sucks. It’s pointless. I’ll bet I haven’t made one person happy that I’m alive!

I was playing computer games earlier. I told myself as I began a game of “Keys 2 the Castle” that if I won I’d go out w/ Dave and if I didn’t I wouldn’t. I hardly ever win but I won. I know that
doesn’t mean anything since there’s no hope for us as a couple. I believe in fate and I know that if it was meant to be, it would have been. Or will be–YEAH, right! Snort, snort. Dave obviously isn’t interested. I just have to face the facts. I may never have a boyfriend. I wonder what the best way to kill yourself is, I’m joking. I would never even consider suicide. But, right now a gunshot looks mighty tempting.

No good news to report. Unfortunately. I’m pretty dissapointed. I knew that the plan wasn’t foolproof. Dave and I are definately better friends, now. Our group, the “cool group”, is supposed to go on many other trips. Now I have a much better chance with him. Emily and Natalie kept trying to get me+him on rides together. They couldn’t have made it more obvious. They did get us to go on a lot of rides together. We ended up going on the ship ride together–about 5 times! We went on the Nightmare (stupid baby ride) together–once. We went on a ferris wheel–once. We didn’t end up going on the giant wheel at all. Whenever we went on the ship one, Emily would make a sign to tell me to get us to sit closer together. I ignored the signs. Emily ended up telling Doug the plan. I don’t mind. Just as long as he doesn’t tell Dave.

I felt very left out for a lot of the time. Doug was talking to Emily; Natalie was talking to Dave. Jordan didn’t end up going. It turns out that Dave is afraid of heights, so since I didn’t like the ship ride too much, we went on it together. We were named wusses for sitting close to the middle. I had a pretty good time, even though at times I felt it was really pointless to be there. OW, my throat REALLY hurts. Because it drove Dave nutso, Natalie and I screamed at every single ride–no matter how stupid it was. I’m really tired and depressed.

Bye.

[Note: This entry is written upside down]

Change in plans! Something came up and Emily’s mom won’t be able to drive. Dave’s mom is! I’m going to be in his house! I have no idea what’s going to happen. I know I’m writing upside-down. I want to do something different! But, I’m so nervous! What am I going to say? How am I going to keep conversation going on the ferris wheel? Help! I hope it works out! Natalie says he knows who I am. Cool! She said he was naming the list of people going and asked him if he knew me. He said like, “Isn’t she the brunette?” So he knows me! He was cool to talk on the phone with. I didn’t know his voice was so deep! Oh well. Maybe it was destorted by the phone!

I’m just so nervous! I hope everything goes right. I hope he falls in love with me. When I walk into his house. Well I’ll pray!

Bonne nuit! Bonne chance pour moi!

Last night, I spent the night at M’s. It was fun. I hope the thing with Dave works out. I do. I like him; it’s not just a deal with M anymore. Of course I felt this way about Andy about a year ago. I hope I like him and I don’t just think I do. I’m pretty sure I like him–but I haven’t seen him since–I don’t know when. Awhile ago.

The fair thing is kinda falling apart. Jordan can’t go. Ana might go. HELL! We don’t want to try to find a replacement for Jordan. We’re going 2 see if he can go on Tuesday. So we might be going 2 days after tomorrow, instead the day after tomorrow. I just want the whole thing to get over with. I don’t want Ana 2 go, because though I don’t mind M+N meddling in my personal life, I definately do not want her to! I trust them but she would do more bad than good. Probably, she’d tell Dave that the whole thing is a set up. She’s a bitch! My pink pen does not work! I don’t trust her I don’t want 2 spend a day with her. I’ve had enough of her to last a lifetime. Even if she doesn’t go, the plan with me + Dave isn’t foolproof. There is no foolproof way 2 do it. I hope their plan works. When I was on the phone with Ana today, she said something about feeling sorry 4 me ’cause they’re setting me up with Dave. I’m sorry but if she’d stick 2 her own business, everyone’s lives would be better. Even an old foggie in Japan’s! I’m tired of changing colors It’s pointless.

Maybe I should ask him out. Yeah right! Trust me, you’ll get a detailed account of the day! Why do people bother with “he said” & “she said”? Oh, well. We’ve just lost the ability to talk face to face with someone of the opposite sex. Or the same sex if you’re a homo. Does it get any easier? I hope so! I don’t know if I can stand this 4 much longer!

I feel bad 4 Natalie. Her relationship isn’t going so well with Jorday. That’s good for Emily. How can something be good for one person and horrible for another? I wish I knew Jordan really well so I could get his feelings. I hope that when (not if!) I go out with Dave, it’s good 4 both of us. Natalie said I should be more positive so it’s when we go out–not if we go out!

I could take up the rest of this diary with worries about the day at the fair. But, I’m not going to worry about it. Here is a line from Amazing by Aerosmith:

“And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings.”

That’s true. I can prepare and go through all the possibilities of what could happen–but what good would that do? Here’s another:

“And how high can you fly with broken wings?”

That makes perfect sense to me. It’s true, right? Think about it.

Well I’m going to fly–I’m going to go out with Dave! I don’t think I have broken wings, but:

“You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk.”

I believe in myself. I’m sure that Dave will like me for what I am–hey, Wes did it right? J.K. If he can’t see what’s on the inside of me it’s not worth it to try and make him. I can just hope and pray.

Please God–

I’m writing this from the bottom of my heart. Let Dave like me + have us go out. PLEASE!

Today Emily invited everyone to the fair. Dave can probably come. No turning back now. I really hope it works out between Dave and I. I really, really do. I like him now. At least, I think I do. From what everyone keeps telling me about him he sounds sweet. Natalie says he’s really sweet, really nice, and really funny. Which means I might have to do a lot of laughing. And I hate my laugh. Oh, well. I also hate my smile. Oh, well. This diary is too small. It’s annoying! Oh, well. This is getting repetetive, huh? Oh well. Just joking. I’m really nervous about making conversation for that long. The whole day! Oh, well! Ha, ha! Maybe he’ll be really easy to talk to. Maybe it’ll be impossible to run out of things to say. I hope, I pray! I’ve never really had to make conversation alone with a guy. On the Ferris wheel will be a first. There always is other people around whenever I talk to a guy. It may be just a conversation between me + him but there were people around. It’s just going to be me + him with no one I can turn to for help. I just choose my divine blueprint. Emily says that Jeff really liked me. I feel bad about making Wes up. But it was the only way I could get out of saying no to him. I knew he would have asked me out sooner or later. I’m sorry Jeff, but I couldn’t face you. I’m also sorry we all treated you so bad, all year. We didn’t mean half the stuff we said. In fact, we didn’t mean all of the stuff we said. I really am sorry.

Back 2 my crisis that’s happening right now! I really want 2 go out with Dave. I swear, I’m about 2 ask him out! I’m ready 2 call him up and ask him out. I wish Monday would come so I could get it over with. Despite what Emily says, what Natalie says, I don’t really see how he’ll ask me out on the ferris wheel! Unless he falls desperately in love with me as soon as he sees me on Monday! But what are the chances of that happening? Very slim! So, I’ll just have to let Emily and Natalie (the masters–yeah, right! J.K.) do their work! People say that it is always darkest before the dawn. My romance life has been really dark I hope Dave and Mon are the dawn!

Great news! Becky will probably be coming to visit! A lot has happened in the past few days.

I am an 8th Grader!

Kinda. Its amazing to me that were already out of 7th! I’m tired.

More tomorrow!