5. Turning a Fun Social Reunion Totally Awkward

It was the Sunday before Christmas. I was out shopping with Julia and doing what I do best: visiting local businesses, saying hello and giving them some money. I love supporting indie businesses!

I particularly wanted to visit a colleague’s shop. I hadn’t seen her new shop yet and I was excited to see her wares. They were expensive, btw.

I walk in. She says enthusiastically, “Hey! Long time no see!”

She remembers me!!  She remembers me! I was excited. I like her a lot. She has done some amazing stuff in her life; it’s inspiring to even know her.

I hurry over, excited to talk. I try to remember: she’s married to a fellow creative genius. A male fellow creative genius. They’ve been married for awhile, and that’s when I see her more clearly! She must be pregnant!! How very exciting!!

“Hi!!” I hurriedly approach her as my mind races with all these exciting thoughts. When is she due? Is it a boy or a girl? How will this affect her ability to run her own business?

My face must have ebullient. I like babies. “Are you pregnant?!?”

4. Turning an Awkward Situation Even More Awkward. If that Were Even Possible.

She looked kind of confused and shocked by my question.

In my mind this meant only one thing: She didn’t hear me clearly.

“Are you pregnant?” I ask again, equally as excited for her new family member as before.

“No…” she said, blushing and looking away.

3. Continuing the Conversation

“Oh!!” At this point I get it. She’s not pregnant.

And I just asked if she was not once. No, not just once. Twice. I was mortified.

“I’m sorry!” I gasped. My face must have been beet red. What could I say? My mind raced…what could I say? How could I fix this?

Time is running out. She’s looking away; she wants me to go away; I’ve ruined whatever friendship might have been. I have to fix this.

“It must be your sweater.”

Genius me. Absolute genius. Now you’ve insulted her sweater.

2. Still Continuing the Conversation.

At this point, what do you do? I’ve inadvertently suggested that I think she looks fat, and that her sweater makes her look fat. It looked like such a nice, cuddly and warm sweater. It was so cold that day. I wear sweaters that make me look fat all the time. Oooh what have I done??

“So…how’s business?”

Yes. At this point I attempt to make small talk. All of my social grace had flown out of the window by now…and it wasn’t coming back.

She was nice about it…answered a few questions before someone — THANKFULLY — needed her help to purchase one of her handmade and adorable goods.

With a huge sigh of relief, our conversation ended.

1. Telling Julia about My Faux Pas. In the Store.

Did I mention that my social grace had flown out the window? Oh, yes, it had. It was up there in the sky dancing with the rainclouds by now. Probably telling them that they looked pregnant too.

I wandered around the store politely inspecting the goods and hoping to find something for someone on my list. I didn’t.

Julia was on the other side of the store. “Oh my god,” I said under my breath. “Oh my god.”

“What??” Her face was expectant. I could tell she could tell it was going to be good.

“I just asked that girl if she was pregnant.” I was talking as quietly as I could muster given my mortified state. I hope she couldn’t hear me. She was on the other side of the store, after all. But, really…what possessed me to bring this up while we were still IN THE STORE?? Couldn’t I want five minutes til we were on the street?

No. I was that embarrassed.

Julia was shocked. “YOU NEVER DO THAT!!!” That might have been audible across the store. I hope it wasn’t.

Julia continued, “Don’t you know that?? Everybody knows that!! Oh my god.”

I hung my face in shame. We exited the gift shop.

Julia sighed, “Well, I guess now you do.”