The Diary Project

Natalie said that there’s nothing wrong w/ me it’s just that the guys mature slower than us.

Originally Written on June 22, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I think that yesterday, I didn’t give myself enough credit. i’m feeling a lot better about myself. Last night, emily convinced me to start liking Dave S. She made a deal with him. I’d like him and she’d set me up with him. We’re planning on going to fair on Mon. Here’s her plan:

Sometime during the day she pulls Dave aside, (there’s only going to be Nat. + Jordan, M + Doug + Me + Dave there) and asks him how he feels about me. She’s going to say that she has a suspicious that I like him. Then I’m supposed to give him hints, like singling him out, that I like him. Then when it gets dark, we’re all going to go on the ferris wheel — the giant one and it’ll be Nat + Jordan in one, Em + Doug in one, and since we’re the only ones left, Dave and I in one. So then when we get off the wheel, Dave and I will be going out. Yeah right! I’m willing to let M try it, but I doubt it will work.

At ice-skating today, (Natalie’s starting lessons) Natalie sat she’s going to help too. Natalie’s going to talk to Dave and ask him if he’s ready for a relationship. I really like Dave, I think and I REALLY want to go out w/ him. Well I guess I want 2 go out w/ someone. I hope their plans work. I seriously do. But I want Dave to like me a little not just ask me out because he was kinda pressured to. Last time I was this close to having a boyfriend, I kinda blew it. Robbie said no. But all I have 2 do is put that behind me. I chose my divine blueprint and I know that it’ll happen if its meant to. I just hope it works out. I’ve actually started to like Dave. And I want to go out w/ him. So, Nat + M — give it your best shot! I don’t know if it’ll work though…

Becky is coming!!

BECKY IS COMING!!!

I’m so happy! They bought the plane tickets! No turning back now! I can’t wait! I miss her so much!

Natalie said that there’s nothing wrong w/ me it’s just that the guys mature slower than us. So, pretty soon the guys will come around. I still want 2 go out w/ someone before I’m 13! I’m glad me + Natalie are good friends. She’s a great one to talk to She cheers me up and isn’t afraid to tell me the truth about myself. We spent a few hours on the phone and it was very insightful! I’m glad I have such great friends that are there for me. I know M’s always there for me, but sometimes I just don’t feel like talking 2 her. I’m glad I can always ask Natalie 4 advice + help. P.S. She says she was to be a counselor when she grows up. She’ll make a great one!

I really hope that this thing with Dave works out. I’m worried about making conversation on the wheel. That thing moves so slow. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I’ll figure something out. Maybe I’ll talk about the view. I just can’t act shy! He’s not shy — I can’t be! I’m not shy but I don’t talk much around people I don’t know. Before I know it my palms start to sweat and my voice cracks. Now, that would be a major embarressing moment! I hope I don’t smell or anything. It would be soooo soooo romantic if he liked me and asked me out on the ferris wheel. I can just see it.

He had just made a joke and we’re laughing there there’s a pause as we the study the view. I say “it really looks like they’re trying to set us up.”

He’ll say, “yeah, it does.” He pauses. “So how about it? I mean, you wanna go out?”.

I say “yeah. okay. cool.”  There only a few more feet of riding left and he makes jokes when we get off he grabs my hand 4 the rest of the night. And at the end of the night he kisses me goodnight. Ah, heaven!

“Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day.” – Rob

Originally Written on June 15, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We got our yearbooks today. I feel so bad. I jumped to conclusions. I’ll start at the beginning…

In block I didn’t want to ask Robbie to sign my yearbook. I thought he was an asshole. But he asked me to sign his and I said only if you’ll sign mine. Somebody else was signing it so as soon as they were done, I gave it to Robbie. He signed it, and I’m looking at my yearbook “Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day. – Rob

Well that just made me feel horrible, I had obviously embarressed him majorly that that day and I jumped to conclusions when I asked him out and he said “no”. He had probably still resending me because of that day and thought that maybe this was another dare. My chest might have been part of it, but not all of it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and it makes sense that he said no. Cassie had said he wanted me to ask him out, so he could know if I wanted to go out with him. Everyone around was pressuring us, and it had been out of peer pressure that I asked him out. He know that I wouldn’t have, if everyone hadn’t influenced me, so he know I hadn’t liked him. I wouldn’t go out with someone under those circumstances. I think I have finally reached level of understanding. I just feel so bad, because I judged him, and hated him for so long and he didn’t deserve it. I wish there was a way that I could let him know that I understand and that I’m sorry. I just hope I’m not jumping to this conclusion. But I don’t think I am. There is still one other person I hate: Mike H. I wonder if I’m jumping to conclusions about him. I doubt it. I just fee sooooo bad. Maybe I’ll call him and apologize. Maybe not.

School’s cool. I get to see all my friends and I get to socialize. I don’t even mind the tests.

Originally Written on June 12, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

As you can see, I’ve trid to write before. But I’ve just been too busy. There has been a lot going on. So, I’ll start at the beginning of the mad rush of stuff. Last Friday night – the 3rd was Nikki N’s party. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go to it because she’s a rocker and I’m not. But I went and I danced with her brother, he’s in 6th grade – named Ricky 4 times. I danced 3 slow and 1 fast as well as 2 slow with other peoples.

I was really uncomfortable for most of the party. Melissa L. kept telling me to ask Ricky out. Now Ricky is sweet but he’s ugly and annoying. I didn’t want to go out with him. But I survived that evening.

On Saturday I signed up for the future stars competition which is taking place tomorrow! I’m soooooo nervous!

Nothing happened on Sunday, I think. I was afraid Ricky would ask me out on Mon but he didn’t.

Nothing happened Tues but Wed. was the band concert! We played Canto and I had to play the gong! I only missed two gongs! I’m so happy and proud of myself. After the concert, Jordan talked to me, and it was like I had been accepted into their little circle. Not completely but on Thurs Jordan bopped me on the head with his rolled up poster. I can see why Emily likes him but I could never.

I’m afraid I am starting to like Andy (AGAIN!) I don’t know. It was like Wed. or Thurs. and he was coming up to our row in Science. He sit next to Lina. Anyway our eyes met and it was really wierd. In that second I got this feeling that I like him. I haven’t been able to shake that feeling, try as I might. Fri night I went camping so I had to miss my skating lessons on Sat. But I sat, starring at the starry sky, trying to short my thoughts and feelings. I haven’t figured out my feelings yet. I know it’s stupid to like a guy in the happy group because I don’t have a chance with them.

On Fri, Nikki in PE told me that Rikky wanted to go out w/ me. In French, I told Nikki that I wouldn’t. I know I made the right decision because I don’t like him, but this was a chance for me to finally have a boyfriend. I know that guys can like me, because he asked me out.

At the awards ceremony for Band, Fri. afternoon, Andy won for best lashes and he got a tube of mascara. And he does have the best lashes. They’re long and thick and gorgeous! They belong on a girl. But I can’t like him! I’m tired of liking guys I don’t have a chance with. But he is single. I could ask him out but that would be stupid. I just need to sort out my feelings for him. He’s nice though. Annoying but nice. He’s always singing, and, oh, his lashes are wonderful! But I already talked about those.

I’m soooooooo infinity os nervous! I can’t believe the competition is tomorrow! I want to win soooo bad! But I’m up against this one girl that I saw at the rink today. She’s in my class, and she’s halla good. All I can hope is that I’m not giving myself enough credit or that she falls flat on her butt. I’m also up against this sucky girl, so I can at least beat her. I hope! Please, God, help me! I want to win sooooooo bad! And I will. I choose my divine blueprint.

I really don’t want school to end. When school ends then I’m stuck alone in summer. School’s cool. I get to see all my friends and I get to socialize. I don’t even mind the tests. I wish it didn’t have to end. It’s amazing that it has been almost a year since Becky has moved. The end of the year brings back so many memories of her. I wish she hadn’t moved.

Do you talk to yourself?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Will and I are up late talking about talking to ourselves. He was talking to the record collection, you see…asking what should be played. The Stranglers song Tank won, btw.

He reflects that he always felt ashamed of how much he talked to himself as a child. He was ashamed up until he read that Alexander Hamilton shared the same habit. With Alexander Hamilton, he talked to himself so much that people actively complained about it. But he was a genius, so what were they going to do?

I remember a late night talking to a treasured photo of an ex-boyfriend. It was that talk that got me out of loving him…and into moving on. I think of what fun I’ve had over the years talking to myself…as if I were a character in Days of Our Lives and what I was heard would motivate the next murder plot…and as if I were another person, keeping myself company.

But I’m a people person.

Do you like talking to yourself? Are you ashamed?

poll by twiigs.com

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Jeff said he would fax me something. He asked what he should fax me and Alexis replied, “a love letter!’ Jeff came back with “I would but now she’s got a boyfriend!”

Originally Written on April 27, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was Alexis’ last day.  I never thought I’d say this but I’m really going to miss Alexis.  I hope her life is good in Arizona, I sincerely do.

Here, my life is improving.  I told Alexis about my plan about getting Jeff off my back in the beginning of block.  So we started talking about this guy I supposedly met at TNT last night.  His name is Wes and he goes to Wells.  Well, we really hit it off and at the end of the evening he asked me out.  I said that I didn’t know and now I’m, like, in love w/ him.  Jeff ate it all up!

Anyway, in block I gave Christy my phone number and Jeff wanted it, too.  So Alexis gave it to him wrong.  The last two numbers were switched.  Jeff said he would fax me something.  He asked what he should fax me and Alexis replied, “a love letter!’ Jeff came back with “I would but now she’s got a boyfriend!” Alexis totally cracked me up and told me, “I told you so!” over and over.  Then Jeff said, “I only started to yesterday!” I just sat there thinking Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD! He actually told me he liked me!   I swear JEEEEEEEEZ!

But he fell for my plan!  I’m so happy, I got him off my back.  Now he won’t ask me out!  Of course he could still like me, but he won’t show it nearly as much now!  Thank God! Now I don’t have to worry about saying no!  Thank GOD! Thank you Alexis! Now all I need to do is keep the story going!

More later! Continue Reading

Since Sandy likes Steve, it’ll be two for the price of one! I’ll get Steve and I’ll get back at Sandy.

Originally Written on August 6, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Emily came over today. She said Erica had told her who I liked. (Andy) I don’t know who to believe! There is no other way for Emily to find out. Oh, I don’t know. I really like Steve. He’s cute, and nice, even though he can be a jerk. As long as he’s nice to me, I won’t care. Since Sandy likes Steve, it’ll be two for the price of one! I’ll get Steve and I’ll get back at Sandy.

I can tell you Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about my getting phone calls at midnight.

Originally Written on July 18, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

It’s about 1 am. An hour ago I got a phone call.
Me: “Hello?”
Answer: “Hi, may I speak to Jennifer please?” The voice was male
Me: “Speaking”
Male voice: “Hi, uh this is Steve’s cousin.”
Me: “uh, hi”
Background: “I didn’t tell you to say who, you idiot!”
Male voice: “Uh, someone likes you…..Jennifer?”
Me: “Yeah”
Male voice: “Steve likes you and he want to ask you out on the first day of school.”
Background: “You IDIOT!!”

I don’t remember the rest. I can tell you Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about my getting phone calls at midnight.

Especially when the phone rang two more times. Once from Ana and then from Melissa. You see Steve had called Melissa to get my phone #. Melissa didn’t have it so called Ana. Ana gave it to her and Melissa called Steve back with it.

Near the end of the school year, Steve had asked me out. He was just kidding or so I thought.

I have to tell Erica. I don’t like Steve or at least I don’t think I do. On the phone Melissa said he was cute. I’m not a very good judge of cute. On the phone with Steve’s cousin, I wanted to say that he could ask me out sooner than the first day of school. Of course I didn’t, I’m so nervous.

Let me tell you, on the phone with Steve’s cousin I was sweating like a pig. Continue Reading

True Love

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

He wouldn’t admit it, but Will loves the Guster. After so many guys told me that one of the cardinal rules of dating was never talking about your cat, I am evidence that the right person will put up with it, even participate, and grow to feel the same way.

An adorable pair.

And if you’re someone who loves animals, you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t love animals. It’s just not natural. Continue Reading

What if he doesn’t like me? I mean I’d rather wait until he calls me and asks me out. If he would.

Originally Written on July 2, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Hi!  I am going to call Justin and talk him into going out with Erica.  Not that he needs any persuasion, but you know what I mean.

So then Erica reads this and decides that she’s going to call Andy and do the same for me.  I don’t know.  What if he doesn’t like me?  I mean I’d rather wait until he calls me and asks me out.  If he would.

Also Erica asked me what I would do if both Andy and Andrew called me up on the same day and asked if I would go out with them.  What would I do?  I can’t two-time.  It’s not going to happen, though.

Becky moved yesterday.

CATCHA LATER! Continue Reading