The wp_postmeta Table is a Sexy Beast

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The longer I work with WordPress, the more I love it. There’s something about knowing something so inside and out that makes you all the more fond of it.

The farther I dig into custom themes, post types, design…the more I have started having to get down and dirty with the actual MySQL database where all the content for a WordPress website is stored.

It gets super geeky, and there’s no need to go into any level of detail. But this sort of detail-oriented digging tends to make one punchy…which led to this:

I just imagined the two of us in a sordid love triangle…I’m calling my boyfriend, “oooh I have to stay late…I haven’t gotten this functionality to work.” Meanwhile the wp_postmeta table is kissing my neck and massaging my back. I’m digging in deeper to find the slug for the custom data I need displayed…he’s asking me on a ski weekend.

What did I tell you? Punchy.

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Ahhhh a childhood game I wasn’t very good at is coming to life!

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

My father sent over this shockingly disturbing video about Google Glasses:

In the future, Google can be with us EVEN MORE than it already is. It can help us get to the art books in a bookstore, or find a dog to pet while walking down the street. Thank goodness I don’t have to ever talk to another book store worker again.

As technology advances, it’s harder and harder to reconcile the perceived absurdity of the science fiction books and games I enjoyed as a pre-teen and the reality of today with those crazy ipad things and little vacuums that travel around the room cleaning for you. Is this the Jetsons or what??

I first met the concept of informative glasses while playing the Journeyman Project, a sci fi game that came out in 1992. Here’s a clip where you–the player–Agent 5–put on the glasses and head out into the world.

These glasses give you all sorts of info about the world…and supposedly help you get through the game.

I wasn’t ever very good at that game, and it haunts me as one that got away…perhaps it was too smart for me, or perhaps those cumbersome informative glasses were just too helpful for me.

So I have to wonder…I’m pretty good at life. But if Google Glasses become a reality, then my life becomes the Journeyman Project and then what if I won’t be good at it anymore??

What do I do??? Drop everything and work to destroy Google? But I have things to do. And friends who work at Google! Also, I’m very reliant on Gmail.

My head is exploding. AHHHHH!!! Continue Reading

Countdown to Mad Men

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been obsessed with Mad Men since my mom and her sisters got in a big fight about why her sisters wouldn’t watch it in October of 2010. See, my mom was a working lady in that era much like Peggy, and she took offense at the fact that her sisters didn’t like the show. They got it sorted out eventually and then all of us sat down to watch an episode.

I came home and spent the next two weeks doing nothing but watching every Mad Men episode there was. Since then, Mad Men has caused us to get cable (grrr…Comcast) and many a discussion about Don, Peggy, Pete, Roger…

In fact, when our downstairs neighbors moved and we got a Pete in their place we made jokes about keeping him away from our non-existent nanny. Oh yeah, we’re hilarious.

Like so many of my fellow Mad Men fans, I’ve been riding the stages of grief over the fact that AMC has taken the better part of two years getting the new season going. What’s up with that??

Well, AMC FINALLY announced the date of the premiere of Season 5.  To commemorate this occasion (and anxiously wait for it), I — with the help of my most favorite graphic designer Lindsay and the web development skillz of my web shop, Artsy Geek — created Countdown to Mad Men, the second-to-second update about how long we have to wait for our next fix.

So, join me at CountdowntoMadMen.com and let’s wait with baited breath for the return of our favorite drunks, chauvinists and philanderers.  And if you like it, help me spread the word.  We all need something to look forward to. Continue Reading

Stuff We Love: Guest Posts & SignNow.com

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today is a red letter day here at JenniferHeller.com.  We have our first GUEST POST!!!

Our guest post today is courtesy of Heather G. who supplied the following avatar:

Is that a cat playing guitar?  A gopher?  A chipmunk?  Whatever it is, it’s shiny and cute and lovable, just like I know Heather G. is in person (since we’re, you know, friends in real life).

And without further ado, here’s our guest post:

Stuff Heather G. Loves: SignNow.com

Since I have a job that gives me mediocre health insurance, I have made every sort of appointment possible. I’ve had moles removed, my sensitive areas swabbed, eyes checked, teeth cleaned and prescriptions filled. One of the most annoying parts of being a “new patient” is that the paperwork is freaking endless. In the spirit of time management, many of these offices provide New Patient Forms on their websites so I can leisurely tell them when my last menstrual period was or if I allergic to any medications and bring the forms with me on my first visit. It’s a lot of paperwork and once I hand it over to Beth at the front desk, I forget about it and move on with my life. Then I discovered SignNow.com—the website that makes signing documents ridiculously simple and even stores them for me, FOR FREE!. Here’s how it works:

  1. Upload any document
  2. Go to www.signnow.com
  3. Enter your signature (you can draw it or type it—it’s all binding and 100% legal thanks to the e-sign act of 2000. You can even upload your pen and ink signature and keep it there.)

They ask for no registration, no account, nada. Just upload and sign. And get this—when you are done (It takes about 15 seconds), they email you a copy of your document in pdf and you can choose to download it. Organizational and environmental me is in love.  Just think about the possibilities for freelancers, renters, petitions, oh I could go on and on. I love a good product and this one is sweet.

P.S. I can’t wait to tell you about my $58 hair conditioner. Worth every penny.

Thanks Heather G! That sounds like one hell of a time / headache / paper saver.

What do you love?  Tell me about it!  Send guest posts / rants / raves/ questions to fanmail@jenniferheller.com.  Or bitch@jenniferheller.com… whatever mood you’re in is okay by me. Continue Reading

I Love Boomerang for Gmail

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m a Gmail addict.  Google Apps too.

We rely on Google Apps over at Artsy Geek — it’s fantastic for collaborating, chatting and — best of all — searching. I cannot imagine having to search for something in Outlook with the sheer number of emails that go through our inboxes every day.

A few weeks ago my great friend Becca introduced us to Boomerang for Gmail. You know how good a scoop of vanilla ice cream is when topped with hot fudge?? It’s pretty good without it, but AWESOME with it.

Boomerang is hot fudge for Gmail.

Instead of the piles and piles of starred images making my priority inbox utterly inbox, I can schedule them to pop back up in my inbox at a later date. Whether it’s four hours later, three days later or Monday morning at 9am, that image will be back in my inbox when I want to deal with it. Or want to force myself to deal with it.

Boomerang for GmailIt’s really handy when you work with people who don’t always deliver when they say they’re going to.* “I’ll have it for you on Tuesday,” they’ll say. “Yeah right!” I think. And then I schedule the message to pop back up on Tuesday evening so I can send a reminder email. And I can specify that there’s no need to pop up if someone responds (in case they actually do come through!). BRILLIANT.

I’ve been pretty stoked on it. Today I had an unpleasant surprise though. It turns out that it’s a premium service!! They lured me in, got me hooked, and now want to charge me a monthly fee for it!!

Suddenly the hot fudge seems more like crack cocaine.

I wandered around my house hmm-ing and huh-ing over this when I plunked down my credit card and subscribed. It’s a deduction, for one. And it’s one hell of a brain space saver. People should get paid for what they do well, and those folks over at Boomerang are rocking my world. Thanks guys!

Try Boomerang for Your Gmail. You’re going to love it!**

Post image courtesy of cookingfoodie.blogspot.com
*I know, I know. Don’t deal with people who don’t deliver when they say they’re going to. I’m working on it.
**Full disclosure: If you click that link and sign up I get entered into some sort of wheely spin contest.  Wheeeeee!! Continue Reading

I don’t know if I want to go to the Holiday Dance. It’s next month, but I don’t want it to turn out like the others. The others were to painful.

Originally Written on November 11, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Jeff M. asked me to the CCD dance. Well, not technically but sort of. He was complaining about how there was only 3 7th grade girls in his entire CCD class, and who was he going to dance with. Then he’s all to me, not Cassie, just me, “You can come, too if you bring enough food for 12 people.” Bryan, who is also in his CCD class, also chimed in, “Yeah, Snickers bars!” I don’t think Jeff was serious, but still…

On the way to school, while we were picking up Christy, Evan was talking about how Christy looks like she has the chicken pox. Christy heard the “pox” and Gloria made excuses for Evan. It was so funny.

Every time I see Mike H. he looks at me strangely. I swear after school I turned around and there he was. We walked a couple of steps looking at each other strangely. Then I realized Alexis, Ana, Jeff or anyone wasn’t there with me, and hurried back. I might like him. Emily says he’s kinda cute.

I don’t know if I want to go to the Holiday Dance. It’s next month, but I don’t want it to turn out like the others. The others were to painful. While Alexis was reading my diary, she saw the entries for the dance and something like, “It doesn’t matter if you dance w/ anyone or not.” Maybe not to her, but to me it’s a matter of how popular you are with the guys. She shouldn’t worry. She was always dancing w/ Jeff! How could she know how I feel? there are so many different groups: Continue Reading

I’ve been coveting an ipad.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Really, really coveting.

You see, even my cat loves electronics. The proof is in the photo.

iPads are good for cats*. They can play that one game with the fish in the pond and never actually catch a fish. Eleven is too old to have that hurt his self esteem, right? It would only give him hours and hours of amusement.

And me too. Also, it’s a justifiable expense. How can I possibly be operating a web business without an iPad to test websites on? For instance, this one looks awesome on an iPad. Or so I think…

Ah the many justifications of life.  Who will win?  The battle of indulgence verses sensibility wages on…

*What do you think of the capitalization here? Does Apple have a protocol for when you start sentences with “iPod”, “iPad” or “iPhone”?? Twenty-first century problems, man. I tell you.

the birthday party (and it’s invite) that will never be

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

While we were wandering through the Mission last month, my friend Sarah spotted a Super Mario pinata in a shop’s window.

It was just the seed I needed to declare that we would have a Super Mario themed party for Will’s upcoming birthday. Will, after all, loves nothing if not Super Mario, and how much fun we would have with our two televisions and two Super Nintendos–we could play in two rooms!!

I started hunting for Mario t-shirts to dress our two mannequins in.

I planned the menu: stuffed mushrooms and sugar cookies in the shape of feathers and flowers–the magical items that Mario eats to survive, spit fire balls and fly.  We would have a lot of pasta because Mario and Luigi are Italian.  And salad too, because that would make it a balanced meal. Continue Reading