so.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

it seems to me,
that what I’ve learned from all my cults and other self-improvement type weekends,
(besides the ever-indispensible personal experience)
is

that a fight cannot occur without two people.

and,
most likely,

that

the two people that are fighting–
when it gets to that point where they are seriously clashing–

it’s because they both believe that they are correct to such an inordinate degree, that…

there’s a complete disconnect.

you’re standing in different dimensions,
this impermeable pane between you.

it lets in sight,
sound,
video,
but no,
actual,
shared space.

And the consequence may sometimes be,
perhaps,
and unavoidably,
that

the space was never shared to begin with.

Susie J's Life Lessons

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

01/28/2008

1. Never make a large purchase when Mercury is retrograde. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been researching laptops for a month, and if you spent eight hours on cnet last Saturday night, and you’ve finally picked the laptop for you… No, you don’t get to buy it, because Mercury just went into retrograde, and you have to wait until Pisces begins to begin any new projects and make any major purchases.

2. New Years Resolutions are good.

3. Patience is also good. Especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. But also…

4. Sometimes, there is no room for error in new relationships. And, you know, if that’s really true, then maybe that wasn’t a worthwhile interpersonal relationship anyway.

5. The eee pc in pink is damn cute, but unnecessary, even if one of my many New Years Resolutions is to utilize technology better.

6. Damn do I <3 hobbies. Like playing the guitar. What a keeper. Just like my friends. Awwwwwwww….

Susie J’s Life Lessons

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

1. In order to do a cursory toilet cleaning, one must clean not only the inside of the bowl and the toilet seat, but also the top that only boys see.

2. Both baking soda and salt are essential for the baking process. Next time I have some time to kill, I’ll figure out exactly why. Then I’ll make little chemical models of the baking soda, baking powder and salt molecules and act out the different scenarios. It’ll be fun.

3. I like to get drunk and practice my sponge demo on unwitting party guests. Poor Gabe’s seen it fifteen times. Julia and I used to go to co-op parties and call everyone by their first and last names. It was our party trick. Now I give the sponge demo, and Julia rolls her eyes. Oooh, how times have changed.

4. People are amazing. So unfailingly surprising and brilliant and funny. I always assume everything will just keep trucking along, but it doesn’t. Sometimes you don’t get to see someone anymore, hear their voice, their laughter. For whatever reason. And I just hear “I know it’s over – still I cling, I don’t know where else I can go” over and over and over again.

5. My TV doesn’t work.

Susie J's Life Lessons

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

August 15, 2006

1. Two weeks is too long for a birthday.

2. To release a jello mold, first soak the mold in hot water for a few minutes. Then place a plate on top, and quickly flip the mold and the plate so the jello lands centered on the plate. If the jello isn’t immediately released, soak it again in hot water for another minute and try again.

3. One can bake in the microwave!! But first one needs the Tupperware Microsteamer.

4. Work doesn’t do itself. My body doesn’t feed itself. Mail doesn’t read itself. Blogs don’t write themselves. And problems just don’t resolve themselves, no matter how much you might wish they would. Ooooh, but what if they did??

Susie J's life lessons June 15, 2006

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

1. Sometimes laptops are just lemons. If you’re blessed, however, with a working laptop, and wish to use it in bed but can’t stand that little touch screen, you’re going to need one of those old school stationary mice with the exposed rotating ball.

2. May is a bad month to acquire cilantro and parsley plants. They go immediately to seed and are utterly useless.

3. Corresponding by MySpace alone does little to maintain a friendship.

4. A good raw vegan chocolate shake can be better than the best milkshake. Seriously.

5. Virgos go nuts during Cancer. And Gemini is always a challenge.

6. One pair of scissors just doesn’t cut it. By my calculation, you need at least four: one for paper, another for fabric, a heavy-duty pair for those big jobs (like cutting through all that packaging on your new rechargable batteries), and garden shears for fresh rosemary. Optional is a pair of portable nippers–very convenient for when one knits and sews. Keep a pair in your knitting basket.

7. You’re never too young to invest in life insurance. My sister is now blessed with $25,000 upon my accidental death. Unless, of course, I fail the saliva test–in which case they’ll refund the yearly fee for my tobacco-free life insurance policy.

Susie J's life lessons March 13, 2006

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

1. If one clips their toe nails regularly, their socks aren’t wont to get those gaping holes in the big toe.

2. If drinking six vodka tonics and two beers one night lands one in the depths of the H.O., one should deduce that drinking nine vodka tonics and three beers the next night will do the same.

3. Always avoid saying I love you as long as possible.

4. Neglected eyebrows will never pluck themselves.

5. Not only does Schwan deliver delicious ice cream to your doorstep, but it also offers lots of yummy and convenient microwavable party food–the perfect contribution to any friends’ soiree. And they’re hiring. I know cause they have a van parked right outside. It’s going to get a ticket come 9 a.m. for blocking the street sweeper. But I won’t. I learned that lesson.

6. Regretfully, a filing system requires a modest amount of upkeep.

7. America’s Best Value Inn is not, at first inquiry, America’s best value for accomodations.

Susie J's Life Lessons

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

re: dinner parties

1. The Venn diagram of dinner parties that includes my father should never again overlap with the Venn diagram that includes the word “polyamorous.”

2. Cold mashed potatoes should be warmed in the oven longer than ten minutes.

3. Get soy milk. Just in case.

4. Legos are a fun and easy conversation piece for company sloshed and sober alike. Cranium is an entertaining, but fairly slow game–to be coupled with drinking.

5. Nutmeg is good for more than just eggnog and cookies.

6. Placing your sister’s picture in front of the vase of flowers in the middle of the table is a poor substitute for her presence; instead it serves as a rather morbid suggestion.

Susie's Life Lessons December 5, 2005

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

1. Never try to brew kombucha in a pot that isn’t glass or stainless steel.

2. Sparkling white wine really does sneak up on you.

3. In order to timer record on a Toshiba SBV-393 VCR/DVD, you have to press the button on the remote labeled “Timer Record.”

4. Apple sauce collects mold remarkably quickly.

5. The new trend in frozen cookie dough doesn’t require you to shape the dough into balls yourself. Such a convenience, but at what cost?!!