Do you talk to yourself?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Will and I are up late talking about talking to ourselves. He was talking to the record collection, you see…asking what should be played. The Stranglers song Tank won, btw.

He reflects that he always felt ashamed of how much he talked to himself as a child. He was ashamed up until he read that Alexander Hamilton shared the same habit. With Alexander Hamilton, he talked to himself so much that people actively complained about it. But he was a genius, so what were they going to do?

I remember a late night talking to a treasured photo of an ex-boyfriend. It was that talk that got me out of loving him…and into moving on. I think of what fun I’ve had over the years talking to myself…as if I were a character in Days of Our Lives and what I was heard would motivate the next murder plot…and as if I were another person, keeping myself company.

But I’m a people person.

Do you like talking to yourself? Are you ashamed?

poll by twiigs.com

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I’m glad that “paper is patient”. I pour all my secrets in this diary. Well almost all of them. I suppose there are still some.

Originally Written on July 16, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I haven’t written for awhile ‘cause there’s been nothing going on. Erica’s been back for a few days now. I wrote Becky. I still think about Andy alot. He’s usually on my mind.

The last night before last Dad brought home Glider. When I found it (in the silverware drawer) I yelled with pleasure.

You can yell with pleasure too! Glider is a really great game. I still love it, and it’s available for download and will work on most computers!!

Today he brought home Tetris. Those are my favorite games. Before I barely was on the computer. Now I’m addicted. I have to wear the amulet to keep away the computer “vibes”. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m the best at Glider.

I’m glad that “paper is patient”. I pour all my secrets in this diary. Well almost all of them. I suppose there are still some. I know somebody’s going to read this, so I’m apprehensive of what I write.

Becky always used to laugh at what I wrote. I felt, hey, what kind of best friend would laugh at my feelings? I think it’s absolutely horrible.

In fact I used to write my secrets in cursive, so she couldn’t read it. I have alot of anger towards her. Today I’m going to pour everything about Becky into here. Wonderful. I just marked my white shirt with blue. (You can laugh at that) Continue Reading

Pancho & Lefty

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I just found my ipod after misplacing it a few weeks ago. It’s too small to really look for anywhere but where you expect it to be, so I had decided it was long gone when I found it hidden under the record player.

I’ve been obsessed lately with the song “Pancho and Lefty” (the version I have is performed by Willie Nelson). For some reason I only listen to it in the car (don’t ask me why…). Getting my ipod back meant I could listen to it again, and I did today. It’s the sad tale of a Mexican bandit named Pancho and his friend Lefty. Pancho meets an unfortunate death–and it’s implied that it was Lefty who betrayed him.

Later in the song, we are asked to pray for Pancho, but to “save a prayer for Lefty, too.” Though by all objective standards, he got the better deal, he’s left to live with the death of his friend on his conscious.

It’s easy to vilify as Morrisey sings, “It’s so easy to laugh, it’s so easy to hate.”

But as he continues, “It takes strength to be gentle and kind.” Sometimes it takes me a minute to see the other side, but even villains have pain and suffering as a consequence. We’re all human, after all.

The Year in Review

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Dear friends,

It has been such an exciting year! If you remember, one of my new years’ resolutions was to utilize technology more effectively. To that end, I started off the year purchasing my first smartphone, an HTC Kaiser, or AT&T Tilt. Let me tell you, that $400 was wasted, but, looking back on the year, I wasted more money on bank fees. I’m looking forward to buying an unlocked Google phone in the new year.

One technology purchase that I was happy with was the tiny 9″ ASUS laptop. It’s so cute! And wonderful for looking up recipes (from your mom in your gmail) in the kitchen without lugging in your 17″ inch Dell Vostro (5 stars).

Another one of my new years’ resolutions was to utilize the vodka martini. I performed remarkably well.

For the second year, Sue and Phoebe joined my family at Mother’s Day Brunch. The crab tasted fresher than usual. I was pleased. I am glad that Sue and Phoebe have chosen Mother’s Day Brunch with the Hellers for a holiday tradition!

Will and I got back together in March. We have been strong ever since. In May, he and I joined Sue and Phoebe for a weekend camping trip. We floated a cooler of Tecate to a secret location and Phoebe found Will’s sunglesses in the bottom of the creek

I started planning Jenfest in June this year. Planning Jenfest is always a challenge. This year was no exception. When I think of heaven, I know it will be Jenfest 07. I was sad to have to plan a party that could never compete with heaven. Jenfest wound up as a picnic in Dolores Park this year. How wonderful was it to see everyone! This year was the first year that I did not ask Alex to design the invite. She is married to Patrick now, you know, and we hardly see her. I did get to see her at Jenfest, and it was delightful! Despite it not being Jenfest 07, Jenfest 08 was truly wonderful.

The night before Jenfest, I managed to mess up my back again. The week following Jenfest I was bedridden. Finally, I had an MRI in August. The results showed that I had a disc bulging 7cm into my spinal cord! This explains my severe discomfort. I went to see a new chiropractor. He spent some time with a rubber skeleton and explained my condition. Everytime I bend or twist, the disc bulges into my spinal cord. Well, my previous chiropractor had been recommending that I do bends and twists twice a day over the course of the past two years. That was upsetting. I am happy to be getting some relief.

I am satisfied with my professional success this year. I took on the Co-op’s 75th Anniversary Gala and a new supervisory role in January. It was a challenge taking on such a large event with nine months to plan. My Virgo moon kicked right in, though, and the details were (for the most part) nailed. One detail was regretfully neglected; we did not collect the donation envelopes from the table and the servers threw them away! In general, I was unhappy with H’s Lordship’s food and service. Narsai David had graciously donated ample wine, but it was simply not served fast enough!

During my year in charge, I also revamped the Co-ops website (www.bsc.coop). The new website offers much greater information to the students. It is also easier to update. I debuted the website on August 15th. Then, in the early hours of Labor Day weekend, I received a phone call from Jordan. “Are you ready?” he asked. “TELL ME,” I ordered. “The website has been hacked.” It was true! Turkish death metal blared from my computer. However, our work was not lost, and with the help of Dave in Argentina, we had the website back up in a matter of days.

In the early part of the year, I was hired to create a website for a martial arts school in Portland. As part of the trade, I was able to attend a very cool self-defense course. If you are ever in Portland, and are female, you should definitely take this course. It is worth every penny. As part of the curriculum, you physically attack the “padded attacker” which gives you great confidence later. I was even attacking people in my dreams! The website, www.onewithheart.com, turned out well in spite of some design sacrifices. I am looking forward to including it in my portfolio at jenniferheller.com (currently under construction).

In November I decided to host a Holiday Gift Bizarre at the Cottage Table Company on Pearl Harbor Day. I called it a Gift Bizarre in hopes of suggesting that you never know what you might find there. I am pretty sure that people just thought that I didn’t know how to spell bazaar. I invited all the artists I know locally, and advertised for artists on various websites like etsy.com. I was very pleased with the selection of artists. The crowd was certainly lacking, however. I will plan further ahead next year. One problem that I ran into was an issue with the original design of the flier–I hadn’t meant to, but I had included imagery that was offensive! I am still using the offensive version of the flier as one-sided paper, and suspect that I will for the majority of 2009. Check out the inoffensive version of the flier at www.holidaygiftbizarre.com

The Guster has been well this year. As you know, I started feeding him twice a day instead of just once. We think that he has lost some weight as a result. I am thinking that his metabolism is such that he needs multiple small meals in the day, just like me. An unfortunate consequence of feeding him in the morning as well as the evening, is that he very persistently tries to wake me up in the morning. He even goes so far as to pull books out of the night stand to make noise! It is very irritating, but it is nice to wake up to the cold nose of someone you love every morning.

I do hope this letter finds you, my friends, happy and well. I am in the process of constructing a self-video-taping-camera-holding hat. My new years resolution for 2009 is to produce a video a week!

Much love,

Susie J.

so.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

it seems to me,
that what I’ve learned from all my cults and other self-improvement type weekends,
(besides the ever-indispensible personal experience)
is

that a fight cannot occur without two people.

and,
most likely,

that

the two people that are fighting–
when it gets to that point where they are seriously clashing–

it’s because they both believe that they are correct to such an inordinate degree, that…

there’s a complete disconnect.

you’re standing in different dimensions,
this impermeable pane between you.

it lets in sight,
sound,
video,
but no,
actual,
shared space.

And the consequence may sometimes be,
perhaps,
and unavoidably,
that

the space was never shared to begin with.

best story ever

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Alex and I have had a third roommate living in our Dome for the majority of this year. Hw moved out on Monday, coincidentally the night I decided to finish my bottle of Bushmill’s in devotion to what has been a six day marathon drinking fest. I am now completely out of hard liquour, so it’s back to wine if my marathon is to continue. FYI.

Anyway, when my sister came home last night, she had this to relate about the previous evening:

She and Third Roommate were loading the car with Third Roommate’s final load. Alex was going to drive him to his new house and then return home. Apparently, and I, of course, don’t remember any of this, he repeatedly attempted to engage me in conversation. But I was aware of nothing but the level of whiskey in my glass and my dwindling ice supply. He would say something to me, and I would wander to the freezer to refill my glass. He tried to say goodbye and I was too involved in the motion of the ice cubes to respond.

“Hey Susie…” I wander to the freezer.

“So…I’ll see you sometime!” I turn to my computer.

“Okay, then, I’m taking off now…” Where’s that last ice cube tray? Why is the bottle so low?! What’s the Guster up to?

And that, my dears, is awesome. Continue Reading