“The Web site reviewer Clipmarks.com got it right when they characterized Crazy Blind Date as for the ‘Fearless-But-REALLY-Lonely ONLY.'”
romance
the crush list
in order of increasing crushness
5. The Bartender. (He never called, but totally still makes the list. I’m going to call him Donny, even though his name is Danny, just like I do with Danny from NKOTB.)
4. My internet boyfriend.
3. My date from Friday night. He was hella funny. That counts for a lot. I have doubts about us working out in the long run, though, because he is–like me–rather forgetful. And that’s the kind of negative trait that gets exponentially annoying whenever you have more than one person possessing it in one room. It was, though, hella sexy when he was talking about the airline business. He scored big points for that strange obsession. I’ll go out with him again.
2. The ex. OMG.
1.5 Hot German grad student. He’s likely the winner of most attractive, though the votes aren’t in. He just left me the funniest message. He says he would like to have a drink with me this week, but he wants me to know that he’s probably not going to buy any Tupperware.
1. Oh the unavailable. This one is so perfectly clever, gorgeous and sensitive. That sparkle in his eyes. That way he sits closer when he’s talking about something that makes him excited. Like he’s telling me a secret. Just for me. Ooh I just want to eat his brain for lunch! Is that weird?
"So what’s a girl like you doing on crazyblinddate.com?"
Good pickup line, adorable bartender. Goooood pickup line. Nice tattoos, too. I hadn’t noticed.
If you, dear reader, added my google calendar to yours, you would know right now that I was supposed to have three dates tonight. And if you were me you would know that two of them didn’t work out.
The BTSSB sent the following note:
Hi Susie,
Unfortunately, the date that was originally scheduled between Mike and you Tuesday, Nov 13 was cancelled.
The culprit was Mike.
He apologizes thusly:
Hi susie, I am sorry but I got stuck somewhere doing something and can’t make it tonight. if you still want to get together sometime you can email me at mike@sosorry.com.
Nerve.com guy was sick or whatever. No problem. I was glad, honestly, to have only one date this evening.
After my crazyblinddate.com date #1, I was rather terrified. I couldn’t escape thoughts like…What am I doing? Why am I doing this? For a stupid blog?! For love?! How does any of this make any sense whatsover?!
As I thought these terribly irrelevant and rather unempowering thoughts, I exited my truck right then, in front of the bar, ready for crazy blind date #2.
Thankfully, the date was to take place in a bar I had never been to. In Alameda, a city I had basically never been to. I was glad, and still am. I totes <3 new bars.
I was glad, also, when I realized my blind date was completely my kinda of easy-to-talk-to-outside-the-bar-kind-of-guy that I had met last night post exiting. It was a very decent, not regrettable at all, good time (awkward rating a new low of 1/100).
The bartender, though. I’d like to address him directly. Let’s be more than friends, Mr. I-don’t know-where-you-live-but-only-that-you-were-entertained-by-my-story-and-you-let-me-pour-my own-beer-from-the-tap. Let’s talk more.
“Well…” I thought for a minute when he asked me (see above). I remembered my list of 10 things-I-should-no-matter-what-for-gods’-sakes-say and instantly discredited them all.
“I want a boyfriend.” Honesty can feel so good sometimes. I looked into his adorable eyes. Still adorable.
Sigh.
So that’s that. A nice night in a new neighborhood, priceless. An adorable, appreciative bartender, priceless+. A blind date that isn’t 2/5 awkward, priceless++.
A good night, hands down.
Dear Susie,
Here is your single’s love horoscope
for Tuesday, November 13:
You’re always finding new ways to meet people. Why not try speed dating? Even if you don’t make a love connection, you’ll interact with lots of different people of the opposite sex. Who knows? Maybe you’ll strike up a new friendship.
I know I’m crazy*
10:00 p.m.
The Ruby Room.
Waiting for: E, 31.
In all my excitement over the BTSSB, I think I’d forgotten what dates were like; how they make you nervous and uncertain. And you wonder what it will be like and what you will talk about.
I’d also forgotten to follow my standard pre-date procedure:
1. Go to the gym. It makes you feel good.
2. Make a list of three relevant questions.
3. Make a list of top ten do-not-by-god-bring-up topics.
So there I was, unprepared, at the right side of the bar trying to down my v&t so that I might order another before he walks in–whoever he is–and right then he walks in.
I knew him immediately. He knew me too. Right off the internet, into the Ruby Room.
(For the next few weeks, I propose that we measure awkwardness by the total number of minutes that I stare into my v&t plus the seconds I distractedly chew on my straw divided by the total number of seconds the date lasts.
Tonight: I stuck it out till about 10:45….about 5 minutes were spent staring into my v&t, and about 4 were spent distractedly chewing my straw. Let’s add in the five seconds when I recovered from learning of his obvious familiarity with my Super Sponge Selling History and multiply that by 9/5 cause it was really bad and that makes the math easier, and we get:
2/5 of the date was awkward.
See? Handy system.)
After about fifteen minutes I was trying to figure out–mostly while chewing my straw–how I was going to possibly extract myself from this duo, and seat myself back at my party of ten who were merrily enjoying the second hand smoke and drinks which make the Ruby Room my favorite bar in Downtown and who were a mere three feet away. We were pretending not to know each other.
I had intended to say to him, whoever he was, “Okay, well, it’s 10:30, and I have a group of friends over there, so either let’s join them, or goodnight.”
Instead I turns out I have an eight o’clock meeting tomorrow, but then…well, it was actually going to start about 8:20… I’ll have time for my coffee…
God that silence was deafening. I’m not that good with silence, I learned tonight, once again.
I finished my vodka tonic, and it was time to go. “I’m sorry…,” I said when he asked to hang out again, but we agreed to give each other favorable reviews. I managed to leave the bar, and was standing outside talking to some dudes** when he also exited. I walked around the block… Wondered if I should walk all the way around the block, but I’d gone about seventy feet and I’d already been asked for change twice and it’s not really the best neighborhood to be walking around in in the middle of the night…
…so I was chilling. Kinda dancing around in my post-date haze where the anxiety just kinda oozes out your pores like microwaves.
And around the block he comes.
Luckily, by that time, I’d started walking back to the bar, convinced that he couldn’t have been standing out front that whole time.
Cheerily I called, “I forgot where I parked my car!”
*Julia says that that’s what makes me interesting. I’m paraphrasing.
**I’m good with strangers. But so much depends on context. Obvs.
2 fast 2 furious
Last Wednesday, OkCupid.com released CrazyBlindDate.com (now defunct), or, as I like to call it, the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread (BTSSB).
I’m lucky to have the best domestic partner in the world, who informed me of the release that very day, with an intro of, “Let me live vicariously through you.”
No problem, Jules.
I signed up immediately. When they have a date for me, I get to see a blurry photo. I don’t get to read a profile, just a sentence or two. I just show up and agree to spend at least 20 minutes with this person. I was able to specify that I only want dates in bars, thank goodness.
My date sees this photo of me:
I’m trying to figure out if my five year plan is insane like all my friends say or good planning like I think. Please advise.
I met a new friend on Saturday night who informed me that all guys will interpret this as: “She wants kids.”
I explained that the beauty of this line is that I get to make up a new five year plan for every single crazy blind date I go on.
He wasn’t convinced.
Tonight I shall share my plan to establish sufficient passive income by signing up for a new pyramid scheme a month and buying misspelled domain names to fill with links to my various pyramid schemes (and plaster with other ads).**
If Eric, 31, lover of rock and roll, is still around after that…
…let’s just say it’s probably a pretty good litmus test.
I was rereading my nerve.com profile the other day (recreated, for your viewing pleasure, here*), and I realized I wrote it in search of hilarity.
Is that how I would like my next romantic relationship to be characterized? By hilarity?
There are worse things, I think.
In a rather perplexing twist, my popularity on nerve.com has increased dramatically since I joined the BTSSB. Which leads me to the point. I have a lot of dates coming up. Some of them I’ve exchanged emails with, and know what they look like. Some of them I haven’t. For you, my dear readers at home, I am including in an iframe the Google Calendar I have named “Susie’s Dates.”
Here it is:
As you can see if you scroll back in time until 2007, I have the previously mentioned date tonight, THREE dates tomorrow night, followed by a few nights off primarily due to the fact that I do, actually, have a life.
Who can’t wait? I can’t!! And, rest assured–recent evidence aside–this is the best and most accurate news source for the next installment of Susie J’s Crazy Blind and Other Date Adventures.
*My headline is now, “My friends call me Boss”, FYI. That’s all that’s changed though.
**What do you think?! Good Five Year Plan or Best Five Year Plan Ever?
hmm…
Hello Susie,
My name is J and my partners name is K. I am 42, she is 30. We are fun loving intellectual hedonists who are on the look out for like minded individuals and couples who are kinky, creative, funny, food snobs, who would rather die than be bored. SOme of the things we are into are photography (me, it’s my profession as well as consuming passion), BOOKS (we are both voracious readers, I usually have 2 or 3 books going at the same time) tarot and astrology (her), playing music (me) listening to music, both recorded and live (both of us, preferably in a dark sleazy bar), cinema, interesting restaurants, witty repartee and if the mood is right, no holds barred, dirty kinky sex. If that sounds good to you, then by all means get back to us…
J
PS: I almost forgot to mention that we love to travel as well as host our “special” friends for decadent weekends and evenings
PSS: I wear size 10 shoes and I have almost as many of them as a girl!
online dating!!!
v day
last year I had a miraculously romantic Valentine’s Day. I was working long hours at a Home Show in Colorado. The weather was below thirty; the show was slow. I wasn’t really slinging those sponges.
The two gentleman (using the term loosely) to my left kept me pretty well entertained. I talked on the phone a lot, too–as I always do during slow shoes. My Nokia had a radio and that was pretty sweet.
And then there was the Quick n’ Bright Guy. (Quick n’ Bright is an amazing biodegradable natural cleanser. It’s totally powerful. Just apply it, walk away, come back and it’s eaten through your shower scum and/or other residue. Amazing.)
I met Quick n’ Bright Guy (QNBG) six or so months earlier working the Ventura County Fair. I spent most of that fair sleeping on sponge boxes in the back of my booth. I was perpetually hungover.
We’d gone on one date. We ate pizza at a local joint, shared a fifth of Jim Beam (is that the small one–I never know?), and took a walk down the beach. His dog came. I don’t remember the dog’s name. The dog wasn’t with him this trip. He ran away a couple months later while they were on the road. QNBG had to get to a job and didn’t have time to wait to see if the dog would return. Somewhere in Utah, I think. Such a sad story.
He was full of stories. But I was interested in another vendor at the Ventura County Fair, so we didn’t go out again.
Here he was in Colorado. And I was bored. We made a date for Monday. Then I couldn’t do Monday. (I was avoiding the date.) So I postponed for Tuesday. Valentine’s Day. (I hadn’t realized.)
I hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve broken up more times than I’ve been kissed on this stupid day. I avoid it at all costs (though today I had a lovely time singing love songs to myself). Anyway, it was Valentine’s Day. And I had a date. And then I had a call from Zach informing me that mystery flowers had shown up on our doorstep back home*!! Romance was uncharacteristically in the air.
As it was when I found myself sharing a smoke with him while snowflakes fell about a park on our post-work stroll through random park from the car to Applebee’s. His nose was so cold! It was cute. I had some prawn thing with broccoli. It wasn’t so bad. I imagine he ate beef. Days later we knew the bartenders by name. I would pound a whiskey and nurse a 14 ouncer of Bud Light, and then drop him off and drive the hour back to my aunt’s house.
Anyway, I’m happily not selling sponges today. And I happily received two extremely large boxes of Tupperware today. And Tupperware is totally better than flowers. It lasts longer, for one thing. Lifetime guarantee, even.**
*Card read “Just in case nobody else sends you flowers.”
**Contact me to learn how to get FREE Tupperware just by hosting a party!
