DIY: Pissing Off Your Roommates

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Here are some ideas that people have contributed over the last few weeks, and–it has to be said–a few that I can attest are tried and true.

  • Bitch about them on your blog.  They hate that.
  • Walk around naked ALL THE TIME. Note: Doesn’t work with Burners.
  • Don’t do their dishes. Or yours.
  • Swap out their flatware for yours.  Bonus points if you bury theirs in the yard.
  • Steal their alarm clock.
  • Walk in on them in the bathroom and don’t walk out right away.
  • Make sure that you put your stuff in the fridge in front of theirs so they have to move it no matter what.
  • Have sex in their bed when they’re out of town. Don’t hide the evidence.
  • Always slam the door, then deny that you do.

Continue Reading

Our Rental Resume

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We made a huge mistake when we picked our most recent roommate. Huge. I honestly can’t understand where we went wrong, but we picked someone who is so completely non-suited to living with us that it’s almost hilarious. Apparently the expectation that one would do their dishes in a timely manner / pitch in with the housework / not leave rotting food everywhere is a little too much for some people.

He claims he’s moving on, but we don’t really believe it. Our landlord forces us to put our roommates on the lease, so we’re pretty much powerless to force him to leave. Unless I pull out all the bitch in me, which I’m really, really trying to avoid doing. But it is so hard. Last week he left a bowl of rotting rice on the counter for SEVEN DAYS. Will had to ask him to deal with it before it was gone. By the end, it was literally coated in black mold. I almost took a photo to prove it to you guys but that’s just gross.

In the end, this might be a good thing. This foray into terrible-roommate-land has left Will and I wanting our own place. And now we are on the hunt.

With everyone else. We love living in the Temescal neighborhood of Oakland, but there’s not a lot available and a great many people are looking. After our first open house, I knew we needed to do something to make ourselves stand out. I’d heard of the concept of a “Rental Resume” where you summarize why the property owner should choose you. Continue Reading

I didn’t realize the finding a roommate would be so hard!

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Somehow we managed to write the best Craigslist ad ever. Or maybe it’s just the time of year. Joey says that people move a lot in November because of Mercury being in retrograde or something.

Regardless, we have had an overwhelming response to our ad.  I’ve filled the available room twice and never had this experience.  Every other time there was a clear winner — the lesser of the evils.  This time, I love everyone.  I want to live with everyone.  They are all so intriguing and so chill.

Living in the SF Bay. So many cool people. Most of the time it’s a blessing but today it’s a curse. Continue Reading

I'm so over

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

1.  Hearing about Charlie Sheen.

Who is Charlie Sheen??  Some ass that locked a prostitute in a closet or some shit???  Let’s move on already.

2. Income Taxes

I have to allocate a portion of profits to support a war I don’t agree with and a political system that makes me sick.

3. Roommates

I love the two people I live with.  But three people with one bathroom??  I always have to pee when someone’s in the shower. Continue Reading

A Lost Dream: Shit Be Gone

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Once upon a time I lived with my sister Alexandra in an apartment building in the shape of a dome.

Where I met ShitBeGone

See??? You didn’t believe me, but it’s actually a dome. Google street view sure does come through in a pinch.

She was just coming back to the Bay Area from living in a cooperative warehouse space in Brooklyn.  It was a cool space; though haunted.  The ghosts danced away in the air above human heads all the way up the 40 foot ceilings just like in Magnetic Fields’ song Busby Berkeley Dreams. Continue Reading

to kitten or not to kitten

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We stopped by the pet store yesterday and it was adoption day.  The kittens were soooo cute and we’ve been wanting to get a dog, but aren’t allowed to have a dog where we are living, and Will said, “Maybe we should get a kitten.” I’m rather suggestible so I was on board from the get go. I fondly remember the addition of Shawn to our family last summer.

But now that I’m not staring at those little feet and ears I can remember the long nights with Shawn racing around before we decided to let him outside, the house plants we’d find all over the floor, the way he still breaks the rule about jumping on counters and how Gus expressed his discontent by peeing on my bed. I wasn’t footing the bill for his neutering, and Ellen started chipping in and buying food, so I didn’t notice the economic costs, which Ellen estimates at an initial investment of $350.  But I was terrified and worried when he didn’t come home and we finally found him in neighbor Lois’ garage.  And I’m acutely aware of how much a trip to the vet costs.

I called my mom to consult, as I tend to do when just about anything comes up.  She instantly exclaimed, “You have enough cats!”

“Well….yes…. I know……but Will kind of wants one, and it would be his cat, and so…”

Instantly swayed, she agreed, “Well, Will deserves a cat.”  And it’s true.  And homeless cats deserve homes.  We have yet to decide whether a homeless kitten will join us.  A friend said, “Wait for one to jump out at you.”

My plan: feed Gus on my bed so he remembers that’s a place for eating and not peeing and get Will to as many adoption days as possible this kitten season.

(Will’s post on this subject)

Open for feedback…

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Who is going to be Jennifer’s Next Top Roommate(s)?

After a long year and a half I am bidding farewell to my roommate, and good friend, Julia. We have a beautiful two-bedroom apartment a seven minute’s walk from MacArthur Bart towards Piedmont. We’ve lived in this neighborhood forever—it’s a good neighborhood. When we saw the posting for our apartment on Craigslist we wondered what could possibly cost $1850 in our neighborhood. A two-bedroom for $1850?? Ridiculous. And that’s what it is. Ridiculous and beautiful.

The opening: The room is huge and you could put your bed in your walk-in closet if you wanted to. It gets beautiful morning light. It is bigger, and better than my room. We share a kitchen, a living room (both of which are adjacent to my room), a hallway, and a utility room where we keep the recycling, mop sink and one of two litterboxes. The bathroom has a closet that has another closet in it. We have a total of five walk-in closets!

About us: I am Jennifer of Jenfest. My male tabby cat is The Guster. He’s awesome. He eats twice a day, and won’t let you forget it. We share our home with a number of plants. We try to eat mainly organic, including meat. We have a Cusinart, but you have to watch the DVD before I will let you use it. I am great at making a blue cheese pecan dip. We compost and recycle everything possible. Trash is picked up on Fridays. I enjoy my recreational time (and intoxicants), but I work a lot. I have friends over rather a lot. Hopefully you would be a friend. I have a boyfriend who stays over about three nights a week. We keep the house clean and friendly. We have cable and wireless, which is $65/month shared.

About you: You are one or two people, independently wealthy, or otherwise gainfully employed. If you are two people, you are together willing to pay a negotiable larger share of rent due to size of the room, etc. You like to cook—or maybe you don’t. You’re interesting, and interested. You like to share stories. Maybe you have a cat or a dog (I would need to check with the landlord about the dog). It would be cool if you had a toaster oven. You like to cooperate and appreciate what comes out of working together. You pay rent on time. You may not know me already, but we will get along great. More than anything else, you want to live in a bomb-ass apartment with a fun and adventurous roommate.