It was at Natalie’s and I was high the entire time. High on what is the question! Probably sugar!

Tonight was Lex’s surprise going away boy-girl party. It was great! Sure, I feel sick from all the spinning and have a headache from the head-banging! It was at Natalie’s and I was high the entire time. High on what is the question! Probably sugar! Between my highs I felt stoned. But I danced three times! Twice w/ Tom and another w/ Dave S. They’re both really sweet.

For my first boy-girl party it was cool!

Sure I got really depressed during some of the slow songs but other than that all of the head banging was totally rad! Now, I love to head-bang! The guest list included:

Gals                           Guys
Loni C.                      Dave S.
me                              Tom W.
Lex                             Jeff
Ana                            Mike P.
Natalie                      Billy B.
Erika                          Gary L.
Cassie
Windy
Daniele
Difference?

Continue Reading

Somehow, the subject of my kissing Robbie was brought up again! Jeeeeeeeeeeez!

Last week was spent at Las Vegas (spring vacation)

So far this week has been hectic. Nothing much has happened, though.

Today, the major stuff was in Block. Somehow, the subject of my kissing Robbie was brought up again! Jeeeeeeeeeeez! Ana sits next to Tom. So I went over to visit Ana and Tom started talking to us. The subject had already been brought up. Tom said that ever since the kiss between us Robbie has never been the same. Tom says he dreams about me and that Robbie told him he woke up this morning thinking something like “It’s after me!” The thing that made it signifigant was later I heard Robbie yelling at Tom about how Tom always tells his secrets and he keeps Tom’s. Could this have been a secret?

Also, Steve W. said Gary L. likes me awhile back so lately I’ve been total nervous in the room as Gary. We’re throwing a surprise going away party for Alexis and Gary’s coming. There’s only going to be 20 peopl (10 of each gender) so what if Gary makes a move? I don’t like him, I don’t like anyone! Then again Gary might not like me at all–I may be making much ado about nothing. Continue Reading

The problem is, is there’s this empty place inside me because I don’t even have anyone to like.

I’m depressed. I want to go out with someone so bad I can taste it! I swear. The problem is, is there’s this empty place inside me because I don’t even have anyone to like. When I liked Robbie, I could concentrate my efforts on him so I didn’t notice the emptiness. Lately, I’ve tried to fill the space with my love for ice-skating. It doesn’t work that way though. I wish it did. I wish I didn’t have to like someone to feel complete.

I wish the two sexes weren’t attracted to each other.

I’ve felt this way since last Monday when Jordan asked Natalie out. She said yes and although I’m happy for her I’m very jealous. I want to go out w/ someone I want to be the one w/ the boyfriend! Lately I’ve been the butt of a lot of jokes about the fact that I don’t have anyone to like and haven’t gone out with anyone. And usually I make them. It’s just away for me to laugh at my pain. I just wish I could fill the empty space inside. It would be easier if I knew had proof that a few guys like/liked me. Then I could know I could actually have a chance w/ the guy I like! Continue Reading

I can just imagine telling someone, “And then I’m off to the Nationals in _______”

Hi! I just finished watching the Figure Skating World Nationals, in Japan. I love to watch figure-skating. I swear.

Last Thursday, the actual performance was of kids not older than me who were trying out their programs for the U.S Nationals in front of an audience. It made me realize that in a few years I can be the one performing my program, not welcoming on the performers! And I will go to the Nationals. Mom thinks I’ll go too.

I can just imagine telling someone, “And then I’m off to the Nationals in _______” Then I‘ll really be able to rub Jessica’s face in the ice for calling me a “Tonya Harding want a be!” I swear, I’d like to see her do a solchow! Anyway it doesn’t matter if I don’t make it to the Olympics. But I want to make it up to the Nationals! Continue Reading

All today I was sooo nervous. I was dying of nervousness. But finally I came to the skating rink to get it all over with.

Tonight we had our festival on ice performance. I guess I better explain:

Three weeks ago, Erin, me and Sara signed up to come every Sunday at 5:45 a.m. to the skating rink to practice for the performance, tonight. Anyway, it was a pain in the butt to get up that early but I wanted to perform sooo badly.

All today I was sooo nervous. I was dying of nervousness. But finally I came to the skating rink to get it all over with. When I finally got out on the ice, I did pretty well. I landed my solchiw and my 1-foot opin was o.k., but not one of my best. Then we waited while the Intermediate people (including Sara) did their and then all together we went across the ice in a bunny-hop, bunny-hop, lunge. When we finished we were spossed to do backwards swizzles back to the wall, but my blade clanked with the girl next to me’s and she went down. I feel sooo bad. And she rubbed it in. When we got back to the wall she was complaining to Suzanne, another girl in our group about how, she was going to look like a ritard. I can only comfort myself by telling myself that she chose it to happen and the girl was a spoiled brat anyway.

After that incident came to pass we had to do solos on one-foot spins. I did better than I had on my last one, but still not very well. Oh well. At least I got to perform and that was an experience I wouldn’t trade for a million bucks. I can’t wait for ice-skating this Saturday. 2 whole days! How will I live? Just joking!

Here’s what our routine was:

March onto ice, go into skating, turn backwards, turn forwards, turn backwards, turn forwards, go into a  few front crossovers into back crossovers into solchow, 2 foot glide w/ arms in “V” and turn to backwards spiral into one-foot spin.

“Back spiral”, Jennifer Heller Continue Reading

Forgive me please but I couldn’t live w/o my feelings getting out in the open.

I’ve really been missing Becky lately.  I don’t really have a best friend now.  I mean Emily’s supposed to be my best friend but lately it hasn’t felt like it. I wish I could write the truth in here, but I can’t.  Emily will read this.  But right now I can’t keep my feelings in.  So, Emily, don’t take offense by what I’m writing.  I have to get my feelings of my chest.

One thing that made Becky’s and mine friendship so strong was that we were always fighting.  We never had feelings to get off our chests and if we did, we could argue it out and no one would get offended.  But if I ever have a problem with Emily and I get mad, emily will get really, really upset and start crying then and there!  So, I can’t stay mad but am guilty. If she could hold her feelings in, it would be better.  What our friendship really needs is a good fight.  It’ll never work this way.

She’s to over something. She acts like a jealous boyfriend sometimes. To her if I happen to be talking to someone else, she’ll feel left out and start to pout.  Every 2° if I’m in a good mood, Emily’ll be in a bad mood and bring me down with her.  Excuse me, for being happy!  I swear if I’m happy and she’s not (which she never is) I have to stop being happy.  And there’s one thing she has to know: Alexis doesn’t like her! There, I wrote it! All the problems w/ her and Bio Science are because Alexis doesn’t like her!  She hast o know that!  I didn’t know how to tell her that but now, if she reads this she’ll know.

Every Mon. and Tues. Emily comes home w/ my carpool and my mom takes her home.  Her house isn’t that out of the way, but why should my mom take routine trips out of her way just for her?!!! There are people who live much, much closer who she could easily get rides with.  Take Erica!  She lives 2 blocks away! Erica could easily give Emily a ride home, but no, she has to inconvenience my mom and me by having us waste gasoline on her!  I know Elaine does a lot for me but my mom also takes Emily to ice skating once a week, a job she doesn’t particularly enjoy! Continue Reading

In the middle a wave of depression came over me and I spent the rest of the night depressed because I don’t have a boyfriend.

Before we begin, I have to point out that the top left of the first page of this entry reads “Make Love Not War”…

…and the top right of the second page reads “Jessica and Christy SUCK!” Contradict yourself much, 12-year-old me?

Well, I haven’t written for awhile so I better catch up:

Thurs 2-24: Valentine’s dance.  In the middle a wave of depression came over me and I spent the rest of the night depressed because I don’t have a boyfriend.  That night I spent the night at Emily’s and we ate tons of ice cream.

Bad Night! (not at Em’s but at the dance)

There has been nothing else really major. Until Tuesday. (last Tuesday) Robbie and Kerry got back together !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I should find someone new.  But there is an upside.  Tom told Kerry that Robbie likes someone else as well as Kerry.  Robbie keeps denying it, which means it’s true.  Kerry says that if it’s true, she’ll dump Robbie.  That means he’ll be free, and what if the person is me!  I doubt it, but there’s a faint glimmer of light. But Robbie said this morning (according to Kristin) that he’d die for Kerry.  You do not know how depressing it is to see them holding hands!  But they don’t do that stuff as much as before so maybe they’re relationship is diminishing.  Besides, there’s a twist:

Tom really, really likes Kerry.  But now that Robbie and Kerry are back together, Tom’s and Robbie’s friendship is on very rough waters.  They’re always fighing.  Doesn’t Kerry see she’s breaking up they’re friendship?!!! I mean, they’ve been best buds since 2nd grade or some junk.  Kerry’s a bitch! Continue Reading

My reality fell even deeper into a black hole.

Today was pretty boring. My reality fell even deeper into a black hole. In Math, Alyssia asked Ana where she had been all morning! (Ana was late) Ana says Alyssia doesn’t hate her anymore. I wish Alyssia didn’t hate me anymore. In the whole clicke, Becki is the only one who treats me with any decency. Maybe I’m quiet around them because they’ve never included me in anything. I swear when our troop takes car trips they call “middle shotgun” and play “I Spyy,” completely leaving me, Jessica, Christy and Jenni B. out. Maybe I should liven up at Girl Scouts. I mean I’m usually so hyper! But the second any of them get around I’m afraid of them stereotyping me so I quiet down and I don’t say anything. I wish they’d warm up to me. Then again, maybe I need to warm up to them. Of course what good would that do? They probably would ignore me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll quit the trouop. But I don’t want to. That’s my last connection to Becki. I’ve given up on Amy. She’ll never accept me. I’ll work on Becki. Somehow.

MY WHOLE CONCEPT OF REALITY IS GONE!!!

(Robbie and Tom W. didn’t show up)

MY WHOLE CONCEPT OF REALITY IS GONE!!! It all started with Alyssia J. broke up with Andy. That was last Tues. I think. then last Fri. Chan asked Daniele W. out! And she said yes! But awhile ago Chan and Nicole O. got contacts. Chan without glasses?!!! It’s crazy. Then last night Ana went w/ Natalie to TNT (Church youth group) and the girls of the cliche talked to her! They used to hate her! Well, I’m pretty sure of that. Everything I’ve believed in: the people in the cliche will always cold shoulder us no matter waht we do; Chan wears glasses; we all hate Alyssia; Amy and Chan would end up together not Amy and George B!; Alyssia and Andy would always go out; is gone. All of it! Everything! That’s the stuff I always could count on to be the same no matter waht else changed. Well, at least I know the cliche will be the cliche! But if they stop ignoring me then I have to rely on Emily to deliver me to the nut house. (Ha, ha!)

Reality

My reality went BYE, BYE!