It’s not like he’s going to judge me because of my bunnie skate guards.

Originally Written on February 11, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m so nervous. Actually scared is a better word. I’ve been out since Wed w/ Namonia and tomorrow I have skating lessons. Afterward I’ll just stick around for Ana’s B-day party also at the skating rink. It’s boy-girl and Robbie will be there. Will he think me stuck up for having my own skates? Normally I don’t care what people think, but I like Robbie. I told Natalie, but tomorrow I’m going to tell her I stopped because I don’t want anyone knowing. But, oh I don’t know. It’s not like he’s going to judge me because of my bunnie skate guards. I just hope I won’t look like a major show off. It’s not like I’m an Olympian but I don’t suck and I am most certainly going to be better than anyone else there. Well we’ll just have to find out what happens won’t we?

He said “I’ll be when you [me] kissed him he had a boner and this thing when from 1cm to 2cm.” He demonstrated w/ his fingers.

Originally Written on February 3, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m never going to hear the end of this kiss thing.  All day people were asking me “Did you really kiss Robbie?!!” And all I could say was, “yes, and shut up about it!” In Block, James K was making fun of Robbie.  He said “I’ll be when you [me] kissed him he had a boner and this thing when from 1cm to 2cm.” He demonstrated w/ his fingers.  I really want Robbie to ask me out, but, I sit with James in Block.  James hates Robbie and Robbie hates James. Alexis likes James.  It would be horrible if I was going out with Robbie (I wish!) and Alexis were going out w/ James.

Ana likes someone else besides Sharky (Andy). She calls him Marter.  She won’t tell me who it is but says Sharky and Marter are one and the same.  Which they aren’t.  She’s just telling me that.  Everyone else knows who it is.  I know I shouldn’t be hurt at this, but I am.  Alexis and Cassie told me it was Robbie.  So I call Ana Robbie-lover and she hates that!  So, she started this Sharky/Marter thing and has had everyone play along.  It bugs having her like the same person that I like.  No one except Em knows I like him! If I even let on that I like somebody, eventually it’ll get around. So I call him Blue-Eared-Doggy.  Everyone thinks I don’t like anybody.

Something else that hurts inside is that I’ll never have a chance w/ him.  Kerry likes him and she’ll never let him go out w/ anyone else. They were going out & she dumped him – so now I say let him go out w/ whomever he desires.  Which wouldn’t be me.  Robbie looks at Victoria’s Secret catalogs and I certainly don’t belong in there.  I’m a wall.  Totally flat up North.  And to the East and West!  So I’ll never have a chance w/ him.

Happy Half B-day to me! Continue Reading

Of course I was in HEAVEN! Well, not really I kissed him and he said it was lousy – but I still like him and that added to it.

Originally Written on February 2, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I haven’t written because, quite honestly, there hasn’t been much going on. C’est la barbe! [around here]

That is until today… I guess I’ll have to start at the beginning!

Friday night – Erika had a sleepover B-day party!  I, of course, was there and at about 3 in the morning we played (what else) truth or dare!  Anyway Sarah B. dared me to wear this certain color of lipstick all Tues (we had Mon. off) The color itself wasn’t that bad but it was the consequences that were bad.  If I didn’t wear it on Tues – I had to kiss Dav P. (GEEK) on the cheek w/ bright glow-in-the-dark red!  Guess what?  I forgot the lipstick on Tues! So I had to face the consequences today. Continue Reading

I just sat there. Silently watching as she robbed us of another thing. OUr family’s love, which is a lot of times all we have to go on.

Originally Written on January 14, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Mom’s friend Celestra was staying with us for a few days. This morn she slept in my bed after I got up. Mom got her to leave after Dad threatened to call the police if she wasn’t gone. With her she took: the strength our family has a whole, my Santa bear Em gave me; the fake blue flower I bought; a washcloth; and an ashtray. Not to mention the peace.

Mom had to yell at her in order for her to leave. I wasn’t home then, but when I was home she asked if she could “borrow” my Santa bear and the flower. Now I’ll never see them again.

This is one MESSED UP lady. When she arrived on our door step Thursday during the day, Mom said that she just shoved herself in. She took advantage of our hospitality and ours too. When mom asked her to leave this afternoon, Mom said she just ignored her and wouldn’t leave. Dad says she’s crazy. Just a little bit.

After Mom yelled at her to get out she got mad and decided to get Mom back. So she took our stuff that I mentioned before and burnt one of our pans. A good pan.

The point is not that she took our stuff or burnt our pan but that she stayed in my room. She went through my drawers. She took my Santa bear and flower. That sick lady robbed me of my well-being. I don’t feel as though my stuff is mine anymore. She played my tapes. She watched my TV. She probably used my deoderent for all I know. When she used those things she took posession of them. Now the only thing I know in my heart is mine is the locket around my neck. And of corse my family. But Celestra caused a major fight between my parents and I just sat there connected to the fight but not connected to the fight. I just sat there. Silently watching as she robbed us of another thing. OUr family’s love, which is a lot of times all we have to go on. One things for sure tonight’s been as close to hell as I ever want to be. I just pray Celestra never comes back. Continue Reading

Because Erika knew I had lice she wouldn’t hug me, although I really needed that hug.

Originally Written on January 13, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Man, what a welcome back.  I have been out since Mon with lice (everyone thinks I have strep throat except Em & Erika).  Anyway today was okay but I didn’t start the school day til 3°. While I was out, I cute my hair to make getting lice eggs out.  It’s now child length.  Anyway as it is in our tradition, Emily was absent today. I really wanted to see her, though.  Because Erika knew I had lice she wouldn’t hug me, although I really needed that hug.  I can count on her hug 3° to help me through the day.  Not anymore.

While I was gone we changed seats in block.  Now I’m sitting by Billy and Dave P. I don’t mind Billy, but Dave… I mean, this guy is…well really, really (tres, tres, TRES!) annoying.  He makes Shoemaker look like good company!  Hell he makes Erica seem like good company!  Anyway, he wrote this note to Alexis saying something like:

‘Do you want to give a bone to Jeff as much as Jeff wants to give a bone to you?’

‘knock, knock,
who’s there’
something, something…’

and signed it Jeff.  Anyway, when Alexis read that she started crying.  I mean, I can see how it might upset her, but crying is a little much.  Anyone would get upset, and I’m not meaning to offend Alexis in any way because she’s sensitive (I think) and I would get upset if I had gotten it.  I just wouldn’t have cried.

12 year old me felt it was necessary to accompany this story with this awesome depiction of Alexis’ unnecessary tears. Way to drive the point home 12-year-old-me!

 

Anyway, tonight I got this depressing phone call from Alexis.  She was complaining about how, technically, in the popular pyramid, we’re just one step up from geeks like Shoemaker.  It was really depressing, ’cause I’d consider us somewhere in the middle.  I wouldn’t want to be on top – because in order to be on top you have to be majorly bitchy.

More Later. Continue Reading

I have no idea what’s going on in Robbie’s head. Or in mine. I don’t know what to think or feel.

Originally Written on January 6, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Rejoice! Robbie and Keri broke up today.  Now he’s free and I’m supposed to make my move, which I kind of already have.  See, last night Ana and I were going through the yearbook (on the phone) trying to find guys to like.  Anyway we said we couldn’t like Robbie because we was taken.  So, at lunch I mentioned (to Ana, Natalie & Alexis) that we could like him now.  Kristen B. heard it and told Robbie I liked him.  Then Tom W. came over to ask me if I liked Robbie – I denied it but Ana said that I was madly in love w/ him.  Alexis backed up the story.  Soon, I was denying that I liked him left and right – to everyone but Robbie.  Then people said he was going to ask me out and would I go out with him.  Tom W. asked me out for him – but Alexis told him to have Robbie ask me out himself.  I saw very little of Robbie today.  Anyway, in block Kristen told me it was all a big joke and he wasn’t going to ask me out – but Cassie said he was.  I have no idea what’s going on in Robbie’s head.  Or in mine.  I don’t know what to think or feel.  I really want him to ask me out tomorrow but I don’t know if I’d say yes.  Alexis wants me to say yes.  I have a feeling she feels bad because I’ve never gone out with anyone and she has.  I just wish the talk would stop All of it.  There’s A LOT more. Continue Reading

If he knows me enough to insult me, he must know my name.

Originally Written on January 3, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

School was hell.  After french Emily told me some news that I rather she hadn’t.  She said he said that he knew that I (the girl in the pink sweatshirt) liked him.  When Em asked him how he came to that conclusion, he said it was because I asked him to dance.  I feel like crying – but the tears won’t come.  How can he know?  He keeps referring to me as though he doesn’t know who I am.  Yet, nothing fits.  It’s all just an impossible jigsaw puzzle.  He knows who I am, I know that.  I was in his block class last year.  I don’t think it’s possible for him to think I am a different person than I was.  My name is on my PE clothes and I’m in French.  Last (we were in school) Friday or so he said that my hair was going gray.  If he knows me enough to insult me, he must know my name.  Last year he stole my inhaler and paid 5$ for the pigpen  he broke.  I’m so confused.  There’s no one I can talk to about this except Emily and I feel uncomfortable calling her.  I’m so confused.   One things for sure – I don’t want to talk about him- hear about him or talk to him until I have reached some conclusion about this whole mess. Continue Reading

A perfect day – but not a perfect ending. I feel like I’m about to cry.

Originally Written on January 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

A perfect day – but not a perfect ending. I feel like I’m about to cry. For no particular reason. I was listening to Kenny G. and a wave of saddness came over me. I have no idea why. Suddenly I really wanted to go back to school and see all those people I adore. I miss them all. But on Mon. I won’t see the most familiary friendly face of all. Becky will be in Tecas completing another day of hell – I won’t be seeing her anytime soon. I miss her sooo much. For some reason tonight brought back some feelings. Not very good ones. I don’t know what they’re from, but if anything happened right now – I would break out crying. It might happen anyway.

Today I went to Tower Records and got “music Box” – Mariah Carey, “janet” Janet Jackson, the soundtrack for The Bodyguard – Whitney Houston & “Breathless” – Kenny G. I spent $30! Now I’m borke and I didn’t get half the stuff I wanted! Continue Reading

For Xmas I got iceskates! and a walkman! and a few singles & the soundtrack to Free Willy.

Originally Written on January 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Happy New Year!

I wanted to have a party but Emily came over and I couldn’t have had more fun.  Except maybe w/ Becky & Emily! I (we) called Becky at 11, thinking it might be midnight there!  It was 1!  I got to remember that Texas is a 2 hour difference.

All vacation I have been thinking about Mike.  I can still see him walking up to Mrs. Capitani’s desk with his Sharks non-parka on – he was SO CUTE.  Just like a big teddy bear! Except he’s not overstuffed!

I can’t even remember what song we kinda danced to – if you can count what we did as dancing.  I think it was UB40 – Can’t Help Falling in Love – but I guess I’ll never know.

For Xmas I got iceskates!  and a walkman! and a few singles & the soundtrack to Free Willy.

That about wraps it up.  I’m not excactly dissapointed but in my stocking I got peanuts! Jeezz!  Santa didn’t come, either.  I don’t really mind – I love what I got! Continue Reading