Gus Brain Map

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

My cat, the Guster, Gus or Mr. Peabody, spends most of his time campaigning for food. Whether this means anxiously watching our cooking process, following my fork from plate to mouth, plate to mouth, or clawing at me while I’m working, it really seems to be the only thing on his mind.

Last night Will and I conceived of a brain map to represent this obsession. I imagine your cat might have a similar brain map, though if you were smart enough not to feed them wet food at all they might just go over and munch on their dry food everytime they noticed there wasn’t food in their mouths.

Believe me, I will never give a cat mealtimes again. They just don’t understand why mealtime isn’t right now all the time.
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to kitten or not to kitten

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We stopped by the pet store yesterday and it was adoption day.  The kittens were soooo cute and we’ve been wanting to get a dog, but aren’t allowed to have a dog where we are living, and Will said, “Maybe we should get a kitten.” I’m rather suggestible so I was on board from the get go. I fondly remember the addition of Shawn to our family last summer.

But now that I’m not staring at those little feet and ears I can remember the long nights with Shawn racing around before we decided to let him outside, the house plants we’d find all over the floor, the way he still breaks the rule about jumping on counters and how Gus expressed his discontent by peeing on my bed. I wasn’t footing the bill for his neutering, and Ellen started chipping in and buying food, so I didn’t notice the economic costs, which Ellen estimates at an initial investment of $350.  But I was terrified and worried when he didn’t come home and we finally found him in neighbor Lois’ garage.  And I’m acutely aware of how much a trip to the vet costs.

I called my mom to consult, as I tend to do when just about anything comes up.  She instantly exclaimed, “You have enough cats!”

“Well….yes…. I know……but Will kind of wants one, and it would be his cat, and so…”

Instantly swayed, she agreed, “Well, Will deserves a cat.”  And it’s true.  And homeless cats deserve homes.  We have yet to decide whether a homeless kitten will join us.  A friend said, “Wait for one to jump out at you.”

My plan: feed Gus on my bed so he remembers that’s a place for eating and not peeing and get Will to as many adoption days as possible this kitten season.

(Will’s post on this subject)

Super Mario World

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Will has been playing a lot of Mario lately.  Another development around is that he got a blog, agreed to a domain name and let me customize it! I’ll put a link at the bottom of the post** so that I don’t lose you quite yet.

In other news, the Guster is considering secondary education:

And has been for quite some time.  I told him that school already started and he needs to get there if he’s actually going to go (he’s been threatening it for years), but he keeps claiming mono or other such sleep-related illnesses.

But that’s neither here nor there, and this post is about Super Mario World, and its annual presence in my life. Continue Reading

The Adventures of Clumpy

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

You may not know this about me, but I am a huge fan of Days of Our Lives. I’ve watched the show since I was in high school, and am lucky to have witnessed Marlena’s head spinning and projectile vomiting a la The Exorcist when she was possessed by the devil, numerous serial killers and that time that Jack and Jennifer pushed some guy in that vat of acid (not really clear on the details there). According to my high school boyfriend, there was a time that I gave up Days of Our Lives (!!!) but I have no memory of that.

Somewhere along the line, my father started subscribing to Soap Opera Digest for me (I think he gets them for free), which is an excellent addition to my life. It is because of this excellent addition to my life that I have this awesome gem to share with you:

You're going to want to click on this to study it more closely. Seriously.

Yes, this cat that looks like a long-haired version of the Guster is staring at a giant litter scooper in the sky. Yes, the giant litter scooper in the sky is holding a purple blob that looks like a hybrid of Meatwad and a Teletubbie giving us what might be a thumbs up.

If that cat were anything like the Guster instead of just looking a little like him, he would have run screaming. He also wouldn’t even be on the moon because he’s not really allowed outside of house, even though he’s been embarking on a few sordid outside adventures of late (part one, part two).

Yet, here this cat is, staring–seemingly in awe–at this scooper and scoop-character (I think we’re supposed to believe his name is Clumpy) in the sky.

Lots of ads are weird and random so let’s forgive this part. It turns out if you look at the lower right hand corner, this is not an ad for a movie that no one in their right minds would want to see, but an ad for Scoop Away brand cat litter. OK, it’s an ad for cat litter.

Have you ever seen a cat poop? I think that most of us have, and for those of us who haven’t, it’s a lot like a little dog poop, which is somewhat like a little human poop. It looks nothing like Meatwad, and only nominally like a Teletubbie. They are not purple, they do not have eyes, and they are not shaped like a biscuit. Is this ad telling us that if we use the Scoop Away brand cat litter (which, btw, is terrible and horrible for the environment, though nothing compared to the BP oil spill), our cat’s poops will turn into little purple biscuit-shaped poops and fly away into space? Cause that would be pretty awesome, but a rather bitter pill to swallow, if you know what I mean (or if I even know what I mean, which is that it would be hard to swallow).

It turns out, if you visit www.scoopaway.com, as this ad urges you to, there are indeed movies–almost adventures–starring Clumpy. They all have the same general story line–Clumpy stays together while his counterpart falls apart, be it while lifting weights at the gym (while flirting–mind you–with a yellow clump of cat poo), catching rays at the beach or scaling the Alps. OK, Scoop Away brand cat litter, you got me to look at your website. I stared, transfixed in horror, at these elaborate scenes you probably hope will go viral and somehow increase your hold on the demographic of soap-opera-watching-cat-loving women who all share the same general distaste for litter box cleaning. You win.  I’m even helping you by drawing attention on the Internets to your misguided attempt at viral marketing.  But be warned:  I predict a class action lawsuit on behalf of American housewives and other soap opera addicts who will soon find themselves haunted by these smiling purple cat poops in the sky.

The Year in Review

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Dear friends,

It has been such an exciting year! If you remember, one of my new years’ resolutions was to utilize technology more effectively. To that end, I started off the year purchasing my first smartphone, an HTC Kaiser, or AT&T Tilt. Let me tell you, that $400 was wasted, but, looking back on the year, I wasted more money on bank fees. I’m looking forward to buying an unlocked Google phone in the new year.

One technology purchase that I was happy with was the tiny 9″ ASUS laptop. It’s so cute! And wonderful for looking up recipes (from your mom in your gmail) in the kitchen without lugging in your 17″ inch Dell Vostro (5 stars).

Another one of my new years’ resolutions was to utilize the vodka martini. I performed remarkably well.

For the second year, Sue and Phoebe joined my family at Mother’s Day Brunch. The crab tasted fresher than usual. I was pleased. I am glad that Sue and Phoebe have chosen Mother’s Day Brunch with the Hellers for a holiday tradition!

Will and I got back together in March. We have been strong ever since. In May, he and I joined Sue and Phoebe for a weekend camping trip. We floated a cooler of Tecate to a secret location and Phoebe found Will’s sunglesses in the bottom of the creek

I started planning Jenfest in June this year. Planning Jenfest is always a challenge. This year was no exception. When I think of heaven, I know it will be Jenfest 07. I was sad to have to plan a party that could never compete with heaven. Jenfest wound up as a picnic in Dolores Park this year. How wonderful was it to see everyone! This year was the first year that I did not ask Alex to design the invite. She is married to Patrick now, you know, and we hardly see her. I did get to see her at Jenfest, and it was delightful! Despite it not being Jenfest 07, Jenfest 08 was truly wonderful.

The night before Jenfest, I managed to mess up my back again. The week following Jenfest I was bedridden. Finally, I had an MRI in August. The results showed that I had a disc bulging 7cm into my spinal cord! This explains my severe discomfort. I went to see a new chiropractor. He spent some time with a rubber skeleton and explained my condition. Everytime I bend or twist, the disc bulges into my spinal cord. Well, my previous chiropractor had been recommending that I do bends and twists twice a day over the course of the past two years. That was upsetting. I am happy to be getting some relief.

I am satisfied with my professional success this year. I took on the Co-op’s 75th Anniversary Gala and a new supervisory role in January. It was a challenge taking on such a large event with nine months to plan. My Virgo moon kicked right in, though, and the details were (for the most part) nailed. One detail was regretfully neglected; we did not collect the donation envelopes from the table and the servers threw them away! In general, I was unhappy with H’s Lordship’s food and service. Narsai David had graciously donated ample wine, but it was simply not served fast enough!

During my year in charge, I also revamped the Co-ops website (www.bsc.coop). The new website offers much greater information to the students. It is also easier to update. I debuted the website on August 15th. Then, in the early hours of Labor Day weekend, I received a phone call from Jordan. “Are you ready?” he asked. “TELL ME,” I ordered. “The website has been hacked.” It was true! Turkish death metal blared from my computer. However, our work was not lost, and with the help of Dave in Argentina, we had the website back up in a matter of days.

In the early part of the year, I was hired to create a website for a martial arts school in Portland. As part of the trade, I was able to attend a very cool self-defense course. If you are ever in Portland, and are female, you should definitely take this course. It is worth every penny. As part of the curriculum, you physically attack the “padded attacker” which gives you great confidence later. I was even attacking people in my dreams! The website, www.onewithheart.com, turned out well in spite of some design sacrifices. I am looking forward to including it in my portfolio at jenniferheller.com (currently under construction).

In November I decided to host a Holiday Gift Bizarre at the Cottage Table Company on Pearl Harbor Day. I called it a Gift Bizarre in hopes of suggesting that you never know what you might find there. I am pretty sure that people just thought that I didn’t know how to spell bazaar. I invited all the artists I know locally, and advertised for artists on various websites like etsy.com. I was very pleased with the selection of artists. The crowd was certainly lacking, however. I will plan further ahead next year. One problem that I ran into was an issue with the original design of the flier–I hadn’t meant to, but I had included imagery that was offensive! I am still using the offensive version of the flier as one-sided paper, and suspect that I will for the majority of 2009. Check out the inoffensive version of the flier at www.holidaygiftbizarre.com

The Guster has been well this year. As you know, I started feeding him twice a day instead of just once. We think that he has lost some weight as a result. I am thinking that his metabolism is such that he needs multiple small meals in the day, just like me. An unfortunate consequence of feeding him in the morning as well as the evening, is that he very persistently tries to wake me up in the morning. He even goes so far as to pull books out of the night stand to make noise! It is very irritating, but it is nice to wake up to the cold nose of someone you love every morning.

I do hope this letter finds you, my friends, happy and well. I am in the process of constructing a self-video-taping-camera-holding hat. My new years resolution for 2009 is to produce a video a week!

Much love,

Susie J.

all i did this weekend was drink.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I let myself do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to water the plants. I didn’t have to clean the house. I didn’t even have to eat.

Instead I got drunk. Went swimming. Went shopping. Got more drunk. Stayed home. Watched romantic comedies. And cried myself to sleep with these big fat crocodile tears I’d only read about in mediocre novels.

These big fat crocodile tears were my company. Friends, too. My cat, as well. My sister, bless her soul.

It’s so funny…this time of the month. It’s funny this month…with the sun out. My soul is light but my heart is heavy.

And I’m a little bit hungover. I’m going to go meet my old boss for drinks after work, so, really, there’s no need to end the marathon.

Though I do need to get more whiskey. And make more banana bread for breakfast tomorrow.

I get to do whatever I want. Forever. And, that, my dears, is fantastic.