Jennifer Sue Heller

the wonder has a name and it is jennifer heller.

i heart you jen, and i heart my french/chinese pink bike bell with red hearts. you know me so well. sorry to leave your crazy ass. i do worry about who each of us will listen to akon's "smack that ass" with now...i think we'll be ok but we should check in via gchat at least twice a day, ok? ok.

Cloyne made it a rough week to be the USCA spokesperson, huh? Way to get your name in the paper!

hey Jennifer! thanks so much for the birthday wish! when i come back we're going to have to seriously discuss this inner CEO thing.....

Damn, you make even me look optimistic. Whenever I'm sitting in class offering guidance (yelling) at the ghetto children of California's future (in 15 years the majority of Cali's population will be under 35 and illiterate) I think of you. Especially, when I'm watching a twelve-year old girl with a Peruvian prostitute for a mother, who offered me head to give her illeteraate no Ingles speaking daughter an A, broker her next blowjob in the bathroom b/t periods with her 13 year old pimp I think: "At least I'm not a sponge salesman". Then I get pegged in the head with a tennis ball, which breaks my glasses, and called a cracker for no reason at all aside from generations of bitter contempt and hatred towards the white man (but I shouldn't take it personal, I'm just a symbol to them, right?). Fuck this shit I'm getting into the sponge selling business! Where do I sign up! You give me hope Jennie Sue-keep rocking it! We salute you!

Jen est une pute!

Jen, c'est la petite marchante sans pareil. Elle fait trembler les gens aven sa voix d'ange. Son talent est tel qu'elle pouvait vendre de la merde; en effet, elle l'a deja fait. En plus, Jen, c'est la meilleure pute d'Oakland du nord.

Is your picture small enough? Gawd. Seriously.

Oh dearest fire friend! I miss you and think you should move to our side of the great water beast! And then we should hop on a plane a tour the world with trails of magical dust following us throught he forests and skies. Or maybe we should all just got to NY and visit Alex. Call. Soon. Love and Kisses, xoxo - "cor"

Jen >= two monkeys and a ferret.
Monkeys go uo uo uo ah ah ah. Bad
Monkey.

Jennifer, you are totes my fave, yo. For
reals.

You say I'm charming, not obnoxious?
We should just date each other, Jen. too
bad I don't wanna be a homo like you.
Heeeey, that sounds like a testimonial!

Ring it out like a towel!

So I've been thinking about your dream
that you told me about. I looked up
"snails" on the swoon.com dream
interpretation search, and this is what
it said: As a general guide: to see them
crawling signifies a long-awaited social
achievement; to see one with long horns
indicates an unfaithful lover; and to
step on one warns of a false friend in
your close circle.

But I think it might also have to do
with the snails that you draw on your
hand. And I'm really disturbed about how
all the pretty fish died in your dream.
Remember when I made you do that dumb
game where you have to list your
favorite animal and why you like it,
then your second favorite animal and why
you like it and it's supposed to be how
you view yourself and what you want in a
person? Remember how your ideal partner
was a goose and mine was a fish? Well,
the fact that all those fish died in
your dream leads me to conclude that you
are killing my potential boyfriends!
Whoa. That could be in your novel.

before I met jennifer I had only heard of her
as this mysterious "boss". I imagined her to
be some short, stocky butch woman with an
intimidating, gorwly voice. then I spoke with
her on the phone and had to change the voice.
then i met boss and, well, had to change my
entire picture. I hope I will see more of this
character. come over and play anytime!!

Before I met Jen, my financial
atmosphere was in a world of hurt.
Medical bills from botox injections
were piling up, my Dress Barn charge
card was maxed out, and the bank was
gonna repo my beloved frozen yogurt
push cart. Then Jen put me in touch
with my inner CEO, who instructed me
to purchase a maroon leather swivel
chair, a large mahogany desk, and a
bottle of Maker's Mark for the top
drawer. I was able to cojole a string of
young receptionists into performing
exotic dances and erotic massage right
there in the comfort of my own office,
and with the dinero I made with Jen's
perfected Giza Gazillions plan, settling
the sexual harrassment suits was
easy. Thank you, Jennifer, for taking
me from a greasy buster to a sleazy
hustler in just five easy payments!

Will you kill Mimi for me? Kewpee says
you're the person for the job.

Will you kill Mimi for me? QuiPee says
you're the person to do it?

I'm really excited to see your new
haircut. I mean, after you whore yourself
out to get the drugs to pay the stylist
with. Wait, you like equations; if sex -->
drugs --> haircut, then sex --> haircut?
You're paying for a haircut with sex??
Jen, that's a new low. Why don't you just
use sex as currency to buy some
houses?

Jennjenn, my love, I don't know if you
know how much I miss you. In case you
were wondering how much, it's a lot. A
whooooooole lot.

Jennifer thinks I should do more shit
that has consequences. I think she
should give me more of her spiced rum on
this fine South Carolinan night or
morning. Friendster should have a
breathalizer to prevent this sort of
thing. Damn, I need a cigarette, but
it's freaking cold out there. Jennifer's
soul is scarred just like mine. Thank
god we are covering so much new territory.

Jennifer, I've been working overtime
tapping into the invisible network
eleventh element thing in the hopes of
helping you earn your first million with
as little work as possible so we can
rent out the Great American Music Hall
for JenFest 2005 and entice cute
Scottish singers (that should really add
you as their friendster friends....now,
bitches!) to come and play for all your
loser co-op friends (myself included).
So give me a break. Inner CEOs get PMS
too sometimes. Anyway, the invisible
networks says to move back to Berkeley
ASAP. Or Oakland. Either way. Oh, and if
you need the answers to tomorrow's
crossworld puzzle, I'm working on it.
Give me another beer.

I am so sick of being your inner CEO.
All you do is smoke pot and sit around
and watch that stupid fucking soap
opera. Like I care who makes it off the
island!! Stop thinking about it!!!
Think about something meaningful!!
Seriously. If you don't shape up, I'm
shipping out.

meatloaf came on the radio the other
day. i turned it up and sang real loud. i
know there's at least one girl out there
who feels me and i think her name's
jennifer sue.

Jennifer, someone once told me I looked
like you, and the only time I've been
happier was when Shawn woke up from his
coma to not remember my keeping him
locked in a cage all summer AND that
this selective amnesia actually led him
to be in love with me. But you knew all
that. Anyway, you rock. Someday, NBC
should cast you as a Jan look a like.
But I will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER share
Shawn. His hot body is mine. I can't
wait to get his pants off and have some
upper persuasion for the lower invasion.

Drunk Julia is no good on the phone.
But she loves you.

Jennifer is my favorite. Like the other night, at the
Concrete Blonde concert, not only did she
successfully psychically command them to play
"Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man," but she passed
me some snuff just when I thought I would die
from lack of nicotine. Thank God for Jen.

Jennjenn, you must escape the evil
algrebra that is enveloping you! I fear
you will get sucked into a textbook,
never to escape!! And I would be so
lost without jew, I mean, you.

Why do you say you're in Berkeley? Why
must you toy with me?? I miss youuuuuu!

Jennifer and I go way back. I remember
back when we used to drink and smoke
and do fun drugs all the time... Fuck.
That's what we still do.
Do you remember that Violent Femmes
concert we went to at the Greek? Cuz I
don't.

Heller is a booze hound. (I luv you
baby!)

you, me, and falafel makes three

jen's eyes are sparklier than any girl
i've ever met.

The pain of scrounging rent had long
been mitigated by the dignified,
lively, but imposing presence of Jen at
CO. Soon I came to find the lovely lady
at the desk was a kind, generous soul,
willing to befriend and tolerate the
likes of me. It also soon became
apparent that she was quite mad and had
some seriously pathological fixations
with soap operas. And that is how Jen
strikes joy, awe, and exquisite terror
in the hearts of all.

Sometimes, many times, I am overcome
with a madness that makes me want to
kill everyone. My ovens will be equal
oppurtunity, everyones welcome. I can
see myself with a machete hacking
everyone to pieces...my god I can
smell the blood. Then I see Jen and
it is all right for a little while.

I fucking love Jen. LOVE HER. She's
rad. Never have a felt so much love for
someone I met at work. And I've met a
lot of people at work, let me tell you.
There's only one Jen. No one else can
say "Students' Co-op" quite like this
girl can. It's uncanny. And who else
beside Jen could rock hair that is so
out of control? No one! Even Matt Cavin
caved under the pressure of his wild
hair, but not Jen!

I would be nothing without you!

jennifer makes my toes curl in
anticipation. she is the most
photogenic person ever, has more
energy than ten pink battery bunnies
beating on a drums, does the funniest
arts and crafts and knows the eternal
secret of why i pay my rent in cash.
but she's on this weird diet where she
only eats nuts, fruits and canned
salmon... so you see everyone has an
imperfection.

Jen, c'est la petite marchante sans pareil. Elle fait trembler les gens aven sa voix d'ange. Son talent est tel qu'elle pouvait vendre de la merde; en effet, elle l'a deja fait. En plus, Jen, c'est la meilleure pute d'Oakland du nord.

Is your picture small enough? Gawd. Seriously.

Jennifer, you are totes my fave, yo. For
reals.

You say I'm charming, not obnoxious?
We should just date each other, Jen. too
bad I don't wanna be a homo like you.
Heeeey, that sounds like a testimonial!

Ring it out like a towel!

So I've been thinking about your dream
that you told me about. I looked up
"snails" on the swoon.com dream
interpretation search, and this is what
it said: As a general guide: to see them
crawling signifies a long-awaited social
achievement; to see one with long horns
indicates an unfaithful lover; and to
step on one warns of a false friend in
your close circle.

But I think it might also have to do
with the snails that you draw on your
hand. And I'm really disturbed about how
all the pretty fish died in your dream.
Remember when I made you do that dumb
game where you have to list your
favorite animal and why you like it,
then your second favorite animal and why
you like it and it's supposed to be how
you view yourself and what you want in a
person? Remember how your ideal partner
was a goose and mine was a fish? Well,
the fact that all those fish died in
your dream leads me to conclude that you
are killing my potential boyfriends!
Whoa. That could be in your novel.

before I met jennifer I had only heard of her
as this mysterious "boss". I imagined her to
be some short, stocky butch woman with an
intimidating, gorwly voice. then I spoke with
her on the phone and had to change the voice.
then i met boss and, well, had to change my
entire picture. I hope I will see more of this
character. come over and play anytime!!

Before I met Jen, my financial
atmosphere was in a world of hurt.
Medical bills from botox injections
were piling up, my Dress Barn charge
card was maxed out, and the bank was
gonna repo my beloved frozen yogurt
push cart. Then Jen put me in touch
with my inner CEO, who instructed me
to purchase a maroon leather swivel
chair, a large mahogany desk, and a
bottle of Maker's Mark for the top
drawer. I was able to cojole a string of
young receptionists into performing
exotic dances and erotic massage right
there in the comfort of my own office,
and with the dinero I made with Jen's
perfected Giza Gazillions plan, settling
the sexual harrassment suits was
easy. Thank you, Jennifer, for taking
me from a greasy buster to a sleazy
hustler in just five easy payments!

Will you kill Mimi for me? Kewpee says
you're the person for the job.

Will you kill Mimi for me? QuiPee says
you're the person to do it?

I'm really excited to see your new
haircut. I mean, after you whore yourself
out to get the drugs to pay the stylist
with. Wait, you like equations; if sex -->
drugs --> haircut, then sex --> haircut?
You're paying for a haircut with sex??
Jen, that's a new low. Why don't you just
use sex as currency to buy some
houses?

Jennjenn, my love, I don't know if you
know how much I miss you. In case you
were wondering how much, it's a lot. A
whooooooole lot.

Jennifer thinks I should do more shit
that has consequences. I think she
should give me more of her spiced rum on
this fine South Carolinan night or
morning. Friendster should have a
breathalizer to prevent this sort of
thing. Damn, I need a cigarette, but
it's freaking cold out there. Jennifer's
soul is scarred just like mine. Thank
god we are covering so much new territory.

Jennifer, I've been working overtime
tapping into the invisible network
eleventh element thing in the hopes of
helping you earn your first million with
as little work as possible so we can
rent out the Great American Music Hall
for JenFest 2005 and entice cute
Scottish singers (that should really add
you as their friendster friends....now,
bitches!) to come and play for all your
loser co-op friends (myself included).
So give me a break. Inner CEOs get PMS
too sometimes. Anyway, the invisible
networks says to move back to Berkeley
ASAP. Or Oakland. Either way. Oh, and if
you need the answers to tomorrow's
crossworld puzzle, I'm working on it.
Give me another beer.

I am so sick of being your inner CEO.
All you do is smoke pot and sit around
and watch that stupid fucking soap
opera. Like I care who makes it off the
island!! Stop thinking about it!!!
Think about something meaningful!!
Seriously. If you don't shape up, I'm
shipping out.

meatloaf came on the radio the other
day. i turned it up and sang real loud. i
know there's at least one girl out there
who feels me and i think her name's
jennifer sue.

Jennifer, someone once told me I looked
like you, and the only time I've been
happier was when Shawn woke up from his
coma to not remember my keeping him
locked in a cage all summer AND that
this selective amnesia actually led him
to be in love with me. But you knew all
that. Anyway, you rock. Someday, NBC
should cast you as a Jan look a like.
But I will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER share
Shawn. His hot body is mine. I can't
wait to get his pants off and have some
upper persuasion for the lower invasion.

Drunk Julia is no good on the phone.
But she loves you.

Jennifer is my favorite. Like the other night, at the
Concrete Blonde concert, not only did she
successfully psychically command them to play
"Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man," but she passed
me some snuff just when I thought I would die
from lack of nicotine. Thank God for Jen.

Jennjenn, you must escape the evil
algrebra that is enveloping you! I fear
you will get sucked into a textbook,
never to escape!! And I would be so
lost without jew, I mean, you.

Why do you say you're in Berkeley? Why
must you toy with me?? I miss youuuuuu!

Jennifer and I go way back. I remember
back when we used to drink and smoke
and do fun drugs all the time... Fuck.
That's what we still do.
Do you remember that Violent Femmes
concert we went to at the Greek? Cuz I
don't.

Heller is a booze hound. (I luv you
baby!)

you, me, and falafel makes three

jen's eyes are sparklier than any girl
i've ever met.

The pain of scrounging rent had long
been mitigated by the dignified,
lively, but imposing presence of Jen at
CO. Soon I came to find the lovely lady
at the desk was a kind, generous soul,
willing to befriend and tolerate the
likes of me. It also soon became
apparent that she was quite mad and had
some seriously pathological fixations
with soap operas. And that is how Jen
strikes joy, awe, and exquisite terror
in the hearts of all.

Sometimes, many times, I am overcome
with a madness that makes me want to
kill everyone. My ovens will be equal
oppurtunity, everyones welcome. I can
see myself with a machete hacking
everyone to pieces...my god I can
smell the blood. Then I see Jen and
it is all right for a little while.

I fucking love Jen. LOVE HER. She's
rad. Never have a felt so much love for
someone I met at work. And I've met a
lot of people at work, let me tell you.
There's only one Jen. No one else can
say "Students' Co-op" quite like this
girl can. It's uncanny. And who else
beside Jen could rock hair that is so
out of control? No one! Even Matt Cavin
caved under the pressure of his wild
hair, but not Jen!

I would be nothing without you!

jennifer makes my toes curl in
anticipation. she is the most
photogenic person ever, has more
energy than ten pink battery bunnies
beating on a drums, does the funniest
arts and crafts and knows the eternal
secret of why i pay my rent in cash.
but she's on this weird diet where she
only eats nuts, fruits and canned
salmon... so you see everyone has an
imperfection.